Afraid...of Love...

It is Thursday morning 12:38 am, an hour ago I ended my workday, after a conference call with my employees. It was the typical business call, dealing with quality, production and future changes due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Basically, I was trying to reassure my employees that their future is being carefully considered by the executives of the agency. But as much as I try to reassure them, I am having serious doubts to my own future.  Not work wise, I always have the mindset to do my job, to the best of my ability. I pride myself on being a part of management and starting new employees on the path for success.

That is where it all falls down, because I care more for other people than I do for myself. But I have been trying to work on that. An amazing friend of mine from many years ago, has been a friendly counselor to me. I have always been impressed with the advice he posts online. That is why I reached out to him. He would understand where I am coming from with my own life experiences. 

The hardest part for me is dealing with the death of the most amazing person that I have had the privilege of spending the last 20 years with. He was my rock and my foundation. I will admit, the last 30 years I have had someone with me, that I believed loved me and was my companion through the ups and downs of life. The first 10 was my ex-wife, and the mother of my two sons. Thank you, Michelle, for the sons we have together. The other 20 years was with a man I loved more than several people.

My inner circle was my ex-wife, my two sons, my roommate of 20 years that I felt total love for the entire twenty years. He became the bedrock to my future, I wanted to be there for him for the rest of my life. But it was not to be, because he left us behind and is resting in paradise. But that is where I find myself having a thought time, because we both depended on each other for everything in our lives. Good or bad, happy or sad, we were there for each other for twenty years. But now...I am lost in the wilderness of heartache, heartbreak, and heart longing for a companion for the rest of my life. 

I am not trying to be co-dependent, but I know I am at my happiest when I have a companion to be with. I blame that on my zodiac sign of Libra. Yes, we like to balance everything, but we need interaction with close people, first to establish our comfort basis, and then we reach out to help others. We know that we have the ability to balance the important stuff in our lives, but we also like to keep bonds going with others that mean so much to us. Like any scale when one side is suddenly empty, we try to balance the scale again, and rather quickly. That is where my current dilemma is quickly leaving me unbalanced and questioning myself on how to fix myself and balance my life again.

I have two new online friends that I have met in the last 90 days, and both are very special in their own way. I enjoy chatting with both, but one is more mature than the other. I don’t think either was ready for the mess I am going through, but they try their best to stay in contact. I like chatting with people that have common interests. It makes it easier to strike up a conversation.

The downside to these new chat friends, they are not available that often to shoot the breeze, so my mind tries to figure out what I did wrong to stop them from talking with me. I get the random chat when they think of me every few days, but I know it is a two-way street, I can reach out to them to but when I do not get a response after several days, I start going down that proverbial rabbit hole of depression.

I am trying so hard to keep a control over everything, by distracting myself with work. But I know that is just a placebo to fool myself into a false state of mind that I am fine, when the truth is that I am deathly afraid.

I find myself drifting towards any friends that show any attention to me on a regular basis.  I try to show a positive outlook on things, but I know it is wearing me down, rapidly because it is not genuine, it is me thinking that in order to keep friends I cannot show that I am a troubled soul right now. I recognize it easily but cannot change it.

I find myself going down a dark path every night after work. I crack open any alcoholic beverage I have in the house and take several shots or drink a few beers. I tell myself and others that I am just taking the edge off and that it helps me sleep. I am not getting drunk; I am just getting that comfortable buzz. But that has been the same for the last 4 weeks. Now it is taking more alcohol each day to give me that feeling, and I know that is the warning sign, that I must back off on the whiskey drinks. Not proud of it, but I have finished two bottles of Fire Jack Daniels, one bottle of Crown Royal, and as of today, I am working on a bottle of Hennessy. 

I know I should not drink as much, but I know I am in trouble, and I don’t know what to do. Plenty of friends try to step up to say they care, but honestly, they don’t know what I have truly lost with the death of my love. They give their words of support and kindness, but then kick me to the curb, instead of knowing there is a problem when they hear me say “I’m fine, don’t worry about me, go on with your life” 

I promised everyone that I will be fine, but I now know that I will not be fine. I’m sorry for lying to you all, but I am afraid, that I will never find love again.

THE DAY REALITY CRASHED IN ON ME...

It is May 16, 2020 at 9:51 pm and my world got rocked today, because I binge watch a Netflix show I like very much. It is called Thirteen Reasons Why, 4th season, episode 10, the series finale. In which two main characters that became close friends and like brothers, were in a hospital as one close friend was dying. The image is showing Justin laying in the hospital bed, and they decide to take the ventilator out so Justin could talk with his friends and adopted family. The main character’s name is Clay, and Justin lived at Clay’s house as his adopted brother and friend. Justin knew he was about to die and struggled to say “I love you” to Clay because he was dying. Clay was holding his hand when Justin died.

That exact moment triggered me more than I could ever realize. Because I was at the bedside of my love, Rudy. The doctor told me that he doesn't have much longer and that I should prepare myself.  He was my everything, and I told him softly, don't go, please stay. As I kissed him and said, "I Love You", I heard him exhale as though he was waiting for me to say goodbye.  Moments later he passed away in my arms, because I laid my head on his chest hugged him in his ICU bed. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, but I could not, because the reality of him being gone, hit me so hard, it took my breath away. I truly believe that I lost a portion of my soul at that moment because I felt the world get a lot darker for me.

I was deathly afraid of losing him, but a strange calm came over me, and I talked to him as loving as my heart could handle at that moment. I told him without reservation that he is the love of my life. The 20 years that he was mine and I was his, is the most wonderful journey in my life. I was willing to let him go so that he can final rest in paradise. 

I was absolutely destroyed that day, March 25, 2020. When he died as I was holding him, we were alone in his ICU room. His mother and brother showed up a few moments later, and he was already gone. I begged the doctor to keep the ventilator going for his mother, because it would show him as still being alive. I didn’t want his mother and brother to know that he was already gone, per his ICU doctor. I wanted her to have the memory of her being there with her baby boy before he passed away.

Now, nearly 90 days later, a television show hit my reality with an atomic bomb. I have been crying for the last 9 hours off and on. Each time I cry it starts with the fact that I will never hear “I love you Mike” from the lips that I have kissed for 20 years. Those 3 words will never be uttered to me again by the man I devoted my life to. So right now, I am trying to get past this, but I cannot. 

One exceptionally hard night at work, I drove home from my office, I had the worst thought I could ever have, Suicide By Cop. For about 10 seconds I considered that way out, but quickly came back to reality knowing how that would impact my family and community. I do not want to be another hashtag!

I grew up in the church and I know suicide is a ticket to hell, so I can’t bring myself to that situation. Not too mention I am afraid of death, but my heart and mind is having trouble working on a new path for my life. Is life worth it, yes it is. I have two sons I adore and love unconditionally. I have a grandson that is so adorable that he makes my heart fly when I see him. But I have to decide if those 3 people is worth anchoring my life. 

True love and a life long commitment to one man, then the sudden death of that man, I would not wish this feeling on my worst enemy. That is why I am trying to move through this pain, but I am really weak at this time, because I have been lying to myself for over 2 months. I wanted to throw myself into work as a distraction, but I did more damage to my heart and mind but not allowing the grief to pass through me. It has been bottled up for over 60 days, and it crashed my reality completely. 

I am at the point were I think I need to speak to the Suicide Hotline, my doctor and close friends, because I am close to the end. One friend is making himself known and willing to help, but as usual, I don’t want to burden anyone with my problems. 

Let me just say this, if this is my final blog post, I love everyone that has been part of my life. Some are still here and some have gone their separate ways, and I will never hear from them again.

My friends from high school, thank you for all that ups and downs. Friends from college, I hope I was able to bring some happiness into your lives. To my co-workers, I thank you for all that you have helped me with over the years, it has been an honor to manage the IRS New Hires with you. Thank you for the moments that we had together for potlucks and COVID-19 get togethers. I love each moment you offered me to try to be normal for a few hours on the weekends.

I LOVE YOU ALL, thank you for being part of my life, because you helped me to this point, but now, I am on a different path and I pray to see you again in the future. Goodbye.

Broken Heart

It has been nearly 3 months since I lost the man I loved for 20 years. I now understand why so many married couples that lose a spouse dies later. It is a broken heart that aches for so long that the body and mind just finds it so hard to continue without that person. 

I have many dear old friends that remember me from high school, they contact me when they remember I am alive. Family that I didn’t grow up with, and are distant in miles and love. They don’t know that I spent so many years with a man I loved with my mind, body and soul. To lose him so suddenly, in the span of 48 hours, devastated me for weeks. I tried to put on the “face” that immediate friends thought I should have so that they didn’t have to worry about me. But it is all a lie, I am totally destroyed on the inside. I miss being held, being kissed, being the man my love wanted me to be. 

I did the right thing and talked to my doctor who in turn sent me to speak with a psychiatrist. It helped for a little while, because I was able to talk to her and not be judged. But the truth is, I put on a show for her too, because I didn’t want to trouble her with my problems. That has been my problem all my life, trying to be what everyone else needed of me, while inside I have been screaming and crying for 40+ years. Was it my childhood, yes, being told that I am worthless and hit when my uncle had too much to drink. I even made excuses for that to myself, I figured if he took his anger and violence out on me, my aunt would be safe.

No matter how much I try to convince myself that I had an ok childhood, it wasn’t. I looked towards my friends to rescue me, with friendship, because I never wanted to admit I was beaten for 10 years. Was I an angel? No, not at all, but I was always respectful to others, because I wanted to change the world that I lived in for years. If it wasn’t for the many friends I had in high school, I know I would not be here now.

Yes, that is right, I tried to commit suicide as a teenager, it didn’t work because my aunt found me a few moments after I swallowed several pills. She called 911 and got me to the hospital, and my life was never the same since. There are times I wish she would have been the wonderful Christian woman that she is and allowed me mercy to get out of the world. Because my 52 years have been very hard and I don’t know how much more I can take. 

I am so desperate for a companion, that I joined different gay apps, looking for someone.  Only to be tricked and used by scammers, that fed on my desperation for a relationship. I came to my senses before anything happened, and I became bitter because of it, which hurt me even more. It showed me how people want to prey on those with broken hearts to profit from their misery and pain. 

As I try to come to grips with my life, I have to accept that I will not find anyone to share my life with. I will live out my remaining days, weeks, months and maybe years, alone and hurting for love. It is not the act of love I am loving for, it is the emotional love, being wanted by another man that I can trust. But then I quickly realized that I am not strong enough to move past this moment in my life. I can’t see past the heartbreak, the loneliness, the emotional prison that my heart occupies. 

When did I lose myself,  because I do not recognize the man in the mirror and looking at him makes my heartbreak even worse. I try to tell him that he just needs to take one day at a time, one step at a time. I do not believe he is listening to me, because I see the sadness and tears just beneath his eyes. I know he cries, but tries to stop before the pain is softened. It scares him to cry, because he thinks his world will finally come crashing down, and reveal that he is still that young child being hit, yelled at, cussed out, teased and bullied by his uncle.

I want to help him, but that is the problem, I am always trying to help others with their issues and problems. But when it comes to me being able to talk my problems out, nobody is there for me. I am surrounded by friends and co-workers, but I am alone. In a world with 7+ billion people, I don’t know who can help me. Yes I know I have paid someone to listen, I can try to figure out which friend can identify with me, and there are none. Most my male friends are married and the true heterosexual male. They have no clue how badly I hurt inside, because I cannot tell them everything in the fear of losing my friends too. 

I don’t know if this will ever see the light of day, or be viewed by another pair of eyes. I wanted to try to get a little bit of the pain out of me. Otherwise, even my 2 sons and grandson will pickup on the fact that I am not ok, not ok at all. I stay strong for those 3, because they are my pride and joy. But I am missing a major part of who I am and I am totally lost and cannot find a path to take. I would say I am at a fork in the road, but both paths in front of me appears dark, cold and lonely. 

I am afraid, so afraid,  my self-esteem is falling and when that goes, I am not sure, I can keep going.

Regrets Part 2...

It has been a little over three years since the last time I mentioned regrets, and recently I have realized that a few regrets have creeped into my life and they are very hard to remove and get over. To be fair to the people involved in my life I will not mention the names of the people. Rest assure that your places in my mind and in my heart are still on solid ground. These regrets are something that I must deal with because they are my own issues.

Regrets are like warm piles of "land mines", as much as you try to avoid them at some point you will step right into one and have one heck of a time scraping it off your shoe. I know in time I will get rid of the regrets, but one of my regrets is of a very personal nature. I allowed myself to be blinded by desire and stepped so deep in the regret that it has become a hard crust that can not be cleaned away with a simple cleaning. 

I will admit that this one regret has haunted me for several years and has been part of several of my weekly/monthly problematic reoccurring dreams. Different situations are presented in the dreams but the end result is still the same when I awake. The dreams seem to taunt and tease me of what could have been instead of what should have been done. Like I said before, I was blinded by desire and that desire is still a major factor in everything that I do today. 

There are times when I think, "ok, I have to change for this person, maybe that will resolve the issue".  WRONG, because I don't change for anyone, I am happy with myself and if a person cannot accept me for who I am, then they won't be in my life at all. I do accept constructive criticism, because I do value the opinion of others. I am the final judge in what changes I will make to my life. If you don't believe me, then try me, I can promise you that you will not like the end result. When I get the smallest hint that things are not what them seem and a person has played me for a fool, I end it and move forward. I don't get even, I just forget that you even exist, but if you really push me, that is when the bad side of me comes to the surface and I will teach you the meaning of regret.

People always ask me, if I would do this or that again in my life. My typical answer is always, been there, done that, won't go back. I really mean it too, because I have been asked by several people, "why don't you get remarried"? NOPE, was married, it didn't work out right, don't need to do it again. But that is me, that is who I am. Nothing against my ex at all, we are best friends now and can tell each other anything. When I end relationships, and that person wants to get back together, I nicely say no and keep going forward. No explanation, no excuses, just a plain and simple, no because I allow people in once. After that once and we move apart, I don't look back and I don't go back. Why go backwards, it is hard enough just going forward most days, why backtrack and have to go over the same damn steps twice.

I will admit one thing, this long lasting regret is worth fighting for in my honest opinion, I just hope that there is enough time left in my life to enjoy things when the regret is removed. If not, then I just will have to move on with a broken heart and block everyone from getting close to my heart for my remaining days, weeks, months, years.

The next chapter...

As I look over my blog posts and the dates that I posted them in the past, I see that it has been nearly two years since I put my thoughts to paper (well, electronic paper).  As I read through a few of them, there were some dark periods in my life that were coming to the surface again.  If those postings were from a friend and I read them, I would know that there is something wrong and I needed to reach out to that friend and try to help. The sad thing, nobody picked up on the clues and nobody stepped up to find out what was going wrong.  But that is ok.

As you can see, I have made it through the dark ages and I am close to starting the next chapter of my life.  Now the question for all those in my life...will I write your name in the next chapter or will you be a footnote, a reference, or written out of the next chapter? 

(I will let you pause for a moment to think about your role in the book of "This is Michael's Life".)

Ok, chapter one had several villains, a few special relationships, and set the foundation of what is possible in my life. To save time, I am not going to talk about the villains, quite frankly they are not worth my time or energy. You each know who you are and what you did to me and my life.  I don't wish any harm on any villain, but you will reap what you sow. One villain is already dead and gone and I pray that God will have mercy on your soul, because I sure the hell don't forgive you for the things that you did to me for years.  I do forgive myself for hiding the truth and living a lie that made me doubt my ability to be a loving father with my own sons.  I wasn't the father of the year, but my sons knew that I would always be there, even if I couldn't be there financially.

The special relationships, each had ups and downs, times of love, times of lust and times of just down right fun. The special ones are that center ring of friends and lovers that made me enjoy life and being with each person in our own special way. As I said in a previous blog about regrets, I try my best to live my life without regrets.  There were a few relationships that top them all and I still think fondly of those moments and time that we shared. There is one friend in particular that has always been the best friend ever and I still think I am not worthy to have him as a friend.  No matter how long we go without seeing or talking to each other, it is a total joy to hear his voice and spend time with him when I head to Tulare.

So those that want to be in Chapter two, there is no application or line to stand in, just be yourself.  If you are meant to be in the chapter, you will be there because those that can contribute to the chapter know their roles already.

(Wow, now that I read this over again, I have a disclaimer...this is not a Mid-Life-Crisis thing!)

The color of stress...

They say that the different moods that people experience can be associated with different colors. Now I am not talking about those mood rings that many of us remember from the 70's, you remember them, don't even act like you don't. A few of the ones that I remember is red for anger, blue for sadness, green for envy, and yellow for fearful. But the question I have, what is the color for stress?

When I try to think of a color for stress, I come up with nothing at all. But I can't say black because that is reserved for those people that are black hearted. I assume that is for those that are just really evil and harsh. White is to show innocence. So again what it stress?

Now I know it is not purple because I associate that color with religion based on what I have read and seen in the bible. Well I also know that it is the main color for my favorite artist Prince.

I think I have figured it out for myself, it must be transparent. I know transparent is not a color, because it is absent of color, but depending on what caused the stress, that color may shine through. But I don't know if that is a valid statement but it just sounds right.

Right now I am very stressed because I can't stand the way my life is going. I am doing great in school but when it comes to the teams I am on for school, major problems creep up and pushes me back. Out of five classes so far, only 1 team was successful from beginning to end. The other teams would fall apart near the end and I would find myself having to finish a lot on my own. At least this time we are only losing one member, but he was the leader. Now I have to jump in and bring the team to the finish line. BOOM STRESS!

The other major issue with my stress level is the fact that my self-confidence is being tested on a daily basis as I continue the search for another job. There comes a time when people like to give up, but I try my best to stay in the game but my ability to stand fast is being chipped away. As my confidence goes away bit by bit, I start to doubt everything about me. That is a dangerous road to travel, but that is where I am right now. I just hope that I can change things soon before I really sink back to the level I was in 4 years ago at this time.

For those that remember that time period, you know what to expect, I just hope I make it through that level as quickly as I can. Otherwise, the person you all know will not be the same anymore.

Where is my passion...

Let me first say that when I say passion, I do not mean the love for a specific person in my life. So whoever reads this, I am not talking about the person I love with all my heart. I am talking about the passion that helps me get out of bed each morning. The passion that helps me stay focused on the road ahead of me.

I do not remember where I heard this next statement but it seems fitting for this moment. "It is not the destination that is important in life, but the journey." When I first heard this statement, I thought it was the most profound statement I have ever heard in my life. I sat and thought about that statement for the longest time. I found no fault in the statement and began to really look back on my life. There are so many moments in my life that are special, sad, happy, boring, exciting, encouraging, tragic, and heart-breaking. But each moment is part of me and makes me who I am. In the words of Captain Kirk, "I need my pain, my pain is who I am." Everything that we do in our life is what makes us who we are as a person.

I will be the first to admit that I did not have an easy life. There was plenty of drama, pain, and hurt in my life. So far, I have yet to meet a person in my life that can match what I have been through when I was younger. (To understand what I mean hear you should read my other blog.) There are some real horrors in my past that I know would have killed a lesser man. I know there are things in my past that would lead to the untimely death of some men.

For many years I took pride in the fact that I took the punches, kicks and immoral statements that were sent my direction and kept getting back up to continue the journey. As the journey reached a fork in the road I would look at the options and attempt to choose wisely. Plenty of times I made the right choice but there are times when I made the wrong choice and paid dearly for that choice.

I kept going...I only looked back to reflect on decisions made to help guide my future decisions. I did not sit and get weighed down by my decisions. I vowed to live a life without regrets to the best of my abilities. I want to go to my grave saying, "I lived and do not regret living they way I lived". I want the same things that many other people want in life, however I am not going to regret not having all that I want, because so far I have all that I need. I may want to travel the world, but I don't need to do it. I may want to be rich, but I don't need to be. I can want many things, but when it comes down to it, I only get what I need.

This is where I am at for now with my passion. I want to gain back the passion that I once had, but the need is not there at the moment. I realized just this week that I lost my passion when I just could not bring myself to do any schoolwork. I got it done today, only because I knew that I had to do it on time. My heart and mind was not in it at all, but for some reason I did it and it was right. Yes I should feel good about that, but I just don't care.

So what happened? I don't know! I could blame it on the fact that I attended two funerals within 10 days. Funerals have always made me feel very odd for a period of time. Not because I reflect on my life or what I have lost due to the death of friends, family or loved ones. The amount of emotional energy needed to go through a funeral for me, drains my life force. I become physically tired and start to show signs of stress although I really did not do anything. I think for me, I re-live the funerals of all my loved ones at each funeral. The emotions build in my chest and heart to the point where I just ache.

I was over the funerals by Tuesday of this week, but something was wrong. What?...I have no clue, if I knew I wouldn't be typing this! All I know is that my passion has been replaced with depression. I find myself not sending responses to text messages from friends who want to know how I am doing. I don't mean to be that way, I just don't feeling like talking to someone else at the moment. I still have the same love for all of my friends in my heart, but my heart is just not in it right now to talk. Yes this blog posting is a form of communication but it is just me getting things out of my head. Will it open me up to get past my depression? Only time will tell at this point in my journey.

The journey is not at an end, at least not by my hands, I just decided to pull over and let the engine cool down.