I find myself paying close attention to those around me and in my life lately and it seems like many people have run out of the greatest resource in the world...HOPE. In my life I have had an abundance of hope and hopeful situations. In the recent years, it seems like my hopes are running low or just seem to be few and far between.
Long ago Jesse Jackson said "Keep hope alive". I find myself saying the same thing over and over again to myself and other people, because it seems like hope is being destroyed month after month. Now I am not talking about the current condition of the United States, but I know that is part of the cause for me losing hope. I am not one of those people that ties their life to successes and failures of their country because I have don't have that much trust in ALL of the elected officials. But I do have trust and control over who I trust around me in my life. One by one, I have seen several of my loved ones and friends go through an amazing amount of stress and strain. All I can do is stand there and say that I understand, because I have nothing to offer to help. That is where my hopes start to fall off like an avalanche in the mountains.
Over the years I have always told people to be happy for what they have in their lives because it could be a lot worst for them. However, in the last few years I don't say that as much any more because I know I am one of those people now. I know that I am thankful that I am able to wake up each morning and go about my day, but I find it harder to wake up and want to do anything at all. I find myself slowly slipping into a depression state that I have never felt before. It feels like I am being chased by something that has it's claws and teeth sharpened and ready to take a serious piece of flesh from me. I like to call it the confusion monster because I find myself being very confused about what is the next steps to take in my life. It is hard to function like this because I usually have a plan for the next few steps that I will take, but it seems like this big monster is getting to me more often.
Venom from the confusion monster is slowly flowing in my thought processes and making it difficult if not impossible to think clearly. The only time when I am able to think clearly is when my friends and loved ones tell me of a situation that they are going through. At that time, I am able to put away the confusion and think clearly for them. I know that has been one of my strengths for a very long time. I have always taken pride in the fact that I can talk to people and give them a different way of looking at their problems. Sometimes the things I have to tell them, they do not accept easily, but they hear what I have to say. They allow my words to sink into their mind and in time they make the right decision for themselves. But again, like I have said before in the blog...there is nobody to help me sort out the issues in my own head.
Every now and then I am able to think clearly and I get my hopes up...only to be thrown back a few steps. Now I know it is not smart to get your hopes up, because then you set yourself up for disappointments. I can handle disappointments, at least I thought I could. It seems like for now, I cannot handle the disappointments so I stop myself from moving on. There are certain aspects to my life right now that I know in my heart I should just move on, but I just can't. Is it fear of the unknown, or is it the fear of knowning what I will give up to move on. No matter the choices that I make, I will be the one that is hurt and at this point in my life, I just can't take that chance.
Yes Jesse Jackson, I am trying my best to keep hope alive, but it seems like hope needs some serious CPR. I know when all hope is gone, that will be the point in time that I will not know what the next step will be. Do I find hope elsewhere or continue to rescue the hopes that I have had with me for many years? I can understand why there are so many people that find it easier to just give up and hide themselves away from the world. Then there are those that do a terrible thing and end their own lives because they have no hope and can't see hope for the future. I will be honest, I have thought about that same situation from time to time, but that is all it is...just a thought. The thought comes and goes within milliseconds. I am not that kind of person to take my own life because I love life and want to be here as long as the good Lord says that I can be here.
Opportunity may knock at my door and I will be ready to open that door. I just wish that with opportunity, hope walks in the door as well. I am not ready to give up on hope, because there is plenty of hope left in the world. A person just has to have the courage to reach out and grab hope when it is made available. I belive that hope can be found in the strangeous places and at the oddest times in your life.
Under the category of strange place to receive hope from, a dream. Two of my most recent dreams was me talking with my mother and my aunt. These two ladies where a great resource in my life, but the good Lord took them both from my life too soon for me. But I truly believe with all my heart that in the last two weeks, both of them came to me in my dreams and fed me more hope. Both dreams were not bizarre or strange, but actually very peaceful and in a very comfortable environment. I will not discuss what was the topic of discussions in my dreams with them, but lets just say that they don't agree with a few decisions I have made in the last few months. In a nutshell, I deserve better and in time, better will arrive and make things better for me. The sadness that I have in my heart concerning certain people will be removed. The anger that I have in my mind over certain issues will be fully resolved. The anxiety that I have in my body will be released. Hope will return and bringing a few friends...love, peace and happiness.
If you don't believe me, that is fine, because I know it is true. Otherwise I could not say...(take the first letter of each above paragraph to know why I believe it...)
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
Clues to a Life of confusion, pain and heartache...
As I was cleaning up my external hard drive today, I came across a letter that I wrote to myself a few years ago. I read it and it was rather interesting to see where I was mentally in 2009 at that time. I decided to share it just for the heck of it...
Sunday, 1:40 AM, September 13, 2009
Growing up over the years and visiting the bloodline every 2 years, allowed for familiarity, but not for motherly instinct and teaching to one’s own child. Is that the reason why after my mother died, it took me a year before I really mourned her death? Shouldn’t I have cried and been in terrible heartache and pain on August 4, 1986. Did I cry at the funeral because everyone else was crying? Even now, my heart should be able to tell me the correct answer, but it doesn’t know as well. Is that the second clue because my mind tells me that I miss her but my heart does not feel the sting of losing a mother?
I remember the night that I received a phone call saying that the sweet woman that raised me as her son had passed away, and within seconds I screamed and felt like a part of my heart was torn from my body. In my mind that night, I knew that my life would never be the same from that point forward. April 26, 2004 I was ready to snap because for the first time in my life, I was truly alone. Those that I grew up to know as family were not really my family any longer because the one sweet woman that made that bond was gone. I knew after the funeral that I would not see that side of the “family” much or ever again. There is nothing wrong with that side of the family but I shared no common blood with anyone so what would is the “tie that binds” for us? It was that sweet woman that we all loved so much. Without her, things and people would never be the same. I knew that for a fact, because I changed at the moment of that terrible call.
It’s 2:31 AM Sunday, September 13, 2009 as I start the process to write this document, journal, summary, jigsaw puzzle, enigma of Michael Rowland. I can honestly say at this time, I no longer feel like I have a purpose or focus to my life, because those things that I need in life seem to be slipping away again, and I am powerless to stop them. Those things are my health, lack of wealth, sanity, happiness, love life, lover, friends and will. I am not saying this is a suicide note, because it isn’t at all. I am just trying to put to writing the questions that keep me awake at night and wonder over and over, why can’t I be happy as I used to be? I am searching for the clues so that I can finally piece back together my path of happiness and will. I find it harder to say that I “love you” to anyone other than my sons because they deserve my love because I am their father and I will always love them no matter what. I will never abandon my sons as I was abandoned from ever even knowing who my father was. I am a true bastard that wants to do right by his sons and have the honor to be a father and be called Dad/Daddy. I think this is a positive clue, but deeper looks into it can generate negative clues as well.
Sunday, 1:40 AM, September 13, 2009
How did I get to this point in my life where I am no longer happy with the end results of my life? Did I make several wrong choices in the past 30 years that changed a life of fun and happiness to a life of loneliness and heart break? Where did I go so wrong that I work harder to please those that I have done no wrong without a regard to my own life, sanity and happiness? Maybe if I look back over time and determine the critical turning points in my life, I can discover my mistakes and understand that I deserve what is now appearing to be how my life with play out.
When I was twelve, I had so much fun in my old neighborhood with all of my friends. I lived in a semi safe home where a wonderful woman took care of me as though I was her own son. Even though I was her nephew through marriage, she cared for me more than any other person on the face of the planet. I am not saying that my mother did not care for me, but the choices that were made for her life and my life, were impacted by my uncle…her brother. Was this the first clue to the pain that I would have to learn to deal with in my life? Being ripped away from one’s mother and siblings at the age of 5 and raised as though that bloodline connection was inferior could create issues for such a young mind.Growing up over the years and visiting the bloodline every 2 years, allowed for familiarity, but not for motherly instinct and teaching to one’s own child. Is that the reason why after my mother died, it took me a year before I really mourned her death? Shouldn’t I have cried and been in terrible heartache and pain on August 4, 1986. Did I cry at the funeral because everyone else was crying? Even now, my heart should be able to tell me the correct answer, but it doesn’t know as well. Is that the second clue because my mind tells me that I miss her but my heart does not feel the sting of losing a mother?
I remember the night that I received a phone call saying that the sweet woman that raised me as her son had passed away, and within seconds I screamed and felt like a part of my heart was torn from my body. In my mind that night, I knew that my life would never be the same from that point forward. April 26, 2004 I was ready to snap because for the first time in my life, I was truly alone. Those that I grew up to know as family were not really my family any longer because the one sweet woman that made that bond was gone. I knew after the funeral that I would not see that side of the “family” much or ever again. There is nothing wrong with that side of the family but I shared no common blood with anyone so what would is the “tie that binds” for us? It was that sweet woman that we all loved so much. Without her, things and people would never be the same. I knew that for a fact, because I changed at the moment of that terrible call.
It’s 2:31 AM Sunday, September 13, 2009 as I start the process to write this document, journal, summary, jigsaw puzzle, enigma of Michael Rowland. I can honestly say at this time, I no longer feel like I have a purpose or focus to my life, because those things that I need in life seem to be slipping away again, and I am powerless to stop them. Those things are my health, lack of wealth, sanity, happiness, love life, lover, friends and will. I am not saying this is a suicide note, because it isn’t at all. I am just trying to put to writing the questions that keep me awake at night and wonder over and over, why can’t I be happy as I used to be? I am searching for the clues so that I can finally piece back together my path of happiness and will. I find it harder to say that I “love you” to anyone other than my sons because they deserve my love because I am their father and I will always love them no matter what. I will never abandon my sons as I was abandoned from ever even knowing who my father was. I am a true bastard that wants to do right by his sons and have the honor to be a father and be called Dad/Daddy. I think this is a positive clue, but deeper looks into it can generate negative clues as well.
Monday, July 4, 2011
What's important to you...
From time to time, do you ever stop to think about the things that are important to you? Off the top of my head I would assume that many people do think of the important things, but do you do what you can to ensure that those important things are really important? There is no scientific test to determine the importance of things to you, you have to evaluate things on your own. Lately, I have had to re-evaluate those things that are important to me in my life and I must say it is rather hard.
We can start with the basic issue that nearly everyone has to ask themselves at some point in time...are you being loved in the way that you want to be loved? Now you can take "love" and split it into emotional love, spiritual love and physical love.
I remember those events so much that it causes me to be a little fearful of similar events developing in my life. I have seen a few relationships begin with friends that remind me of bad relationships from the past. I know the new friend(s) is not the same people involved from my past but I tread carefully. Some people mistake that for weakness and quickly find out that I am not weak at all. I can be a force to deal with, or a person they can add to the list of "life long friend".
Another important issue in my life is friendship. A good and true friend is not a rare thing to find, provided that you deserve to have a true friend. This goes back to the issue of loving yourself. If you don't care anything about yourself, then you are bound to find those friends that don't care about you as well. They will see you as a user, opportunist or just plaining a waste of time. I have seen my fair share of "user" friends and I quickly let them know that I am not to be used. I have had people around me that love to ride "on my coat tails" just to get some where and not to my surprise they forget who I am after they jump off my tails. But that is ok, because the people that have done that, get a reality check really fast. When that person needs more of my assistance, they find out that I will not help at all, or I give them a wrong answer to teach them a lesson.
Normally I do not hold a grudge against anyone, but there are a few of you out there that have really gotten under my skin and I willl get even. I am a firm believer in "what comes around, goes around"...I have seen that statement come true on a few people already. I don't rub it in their face, but when I do see them from time to time, I just give a little smile to let them know that I do remember.
So what is important to me....lately...I have no clue any more because all of my priorities have changed. My kids are both over 18 so my job as a parent in raising my kids is coming to an end. Now all I have to do is continue to provide guidance as needed. I will always love my boys and will pray for success for both of them in whatever they want to do with their lives. A love life is on the back burner yet again because like I said before, the two way street has become empty or at least the "car" I was traveling with has been having "engine" problems. Sounds like I need to find a "used car" lot to do some shopping...lol!
I know this is just me going on a small rant about things in my life right now, without full details, but at least I am willing to make the effort to try and find out what is still important to me. The hard part...balancing my important things with what other people think is important to me. Meh...I really don't care what other people think is still important to me...because more than likely...they don't know me well enough to know what is important to me. To know if you are one of those people that know me well enough...just ask yourself one question..."Has Michael told me what is important to him?". If the answer is no, take the hint...you don't really know me at all and that is because I don't want you to know!
We can start with the basic issue that nearly everyone has to ask themselves at some point in time...are you being loved in the way that you want to be loved? Now you can take "love" and split it into emotional love, spiritual love and physical love.
- Emotional Love - I love myself and I am happy with myself, even though I may not love the exact way I look all the time...I still love myself. That is one of the things that people just seem to forget. How can you love anyone else if you don't love yourself first.
- Spiritual Love - I love the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. I may not live my life as a devote christian, but I still love the Holy Trinity. I know of his teachings, and I respect and believe in his word and power over creation. All things are possible through spiritual love of the Lord.
- Physical Love - Let's just say, I wish that there was more to say on this issue, but that is a two way street and right now, there is nobody driving in my direction. Not really sure what happened to put me on this street all alone, but I will stay on the street in the hopes that the traffic will return. That is the good thing about staying on the street, there is always someone new travelling on the same street. In the meantime, I have to just continue to window shop and walk into a few stores along the street to find a new driving partner.
I remember those events so much that it causes me to be a little fearful of similar events developing in my life. I have seen a few relationships begin with friends that remind me of bad relationships from the past. I know the new friend(s) is not the same people involved from my past but I tread carefully. Some people mistake that for weakness and quickly find out that I am not weak at all. I can be a force to deal with, or a person they can add to the list of "life long friend".
Another important issue in my life is friendship. A good and true friend is not a rare thing to find, provided that you deserve to have a true friend. This goes back to the issue of loving yourself. If you don't care anything about yourself, then you are bound to find those friends that don't care about you as well. They will see you as a user, opportunist or just plaining a waste of time. I have seen my fair share of "user" friends and I quickly let them know that I am not to be used. I have had people around me that love to ride "on my coat tails" just to get some where and not to my surprise they forget who I am after they jump off my tails. But that is ok, because the people that have done that, get a reality check really fast. When that person needs more of my assistance, they find out that I will not help at all, or I give them a wrong answer to teach them a lesson.
Normally I do not hold a grudge against anyone, but there are a few of you out there that have really gotten under my skin and I willl get even. I am a firm believer in "what comes around, goes around"...I have seen that statement come true on a few people already. I don't rub it in their face, but when I do see them from time to time, I just give a little smile to let them know that I do remember.
So what is important to me....lately...I have no clue any more because all of my priorities have changed. My kids are both over 18 so my job as a parent in raising my kids is coming to an end. Now all I have to do is continue to provide guidance as needed. I will always love my boys and will pray for success for both of them in whatever they want to do with their lives. A love life is on the back burner yet again because like I said before, the two way street has become empty or at least the "car" I was traveling with has been having "engine" problems. Sounds like I need to find a "used car" lot to do some shopping...lol!
I know this is just me going on a small rant about things in my life right now, without full details, but at least I am willing to make the effort to try and find out what is still important to me. The hard part...balancing my important things with what other people think is important to me. Meh...I really don't care what other people think is still important to me...because more than likely...they don't know me well enough to know what is important to me. To know if you are one of those people that know me well enough...just ask yourself one question..."Has Michael told me what is important to him?". If the answer is no, take the hint...you don't really know me at all and that is because I don't want you to know!
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Dreams making me insane....
Yet another night of hard dreams in which my life was the subject of the dreams. I get the feeling that my subconscious is trying to tell me something about my life. I really wish there was a guide to understanding the odd images and situations that I experience in my dreams from time to time. Is my mind telling me what I should do to be happy, or is it telling me of things to come? I see the faces of family members and friends, strangers and monsters, known and unknown locations.
For example, last night I had a dream in which I felt totally alone but I was surrounded by many people. As I would look around, I did not recognize any of the faces, because each face was just a blur. Now I am not the type of person that feels nervous in a crowd of people that I do not know...I have no problem meeting new people and starting a conversation to past the time. But in this dream, everyone that I would try to talk with, would just stop for a moment, attempt to talk with me, but then disappear before I had the chance to speak. At first I didn't think anything about the situation, and figured these people were just being nice but also in a rush to get on with their own needs. As I continued to walk around to find a familiar face in the crowd, I was see glimpses of people I knew in the crowd. As I change direction to head to those faces, I would never get close to them and those faces would disappear from the crowd.
Thinking about that dream now, I believe it is the on-going issue that I have had for many years now in which I feel that I do not have anyone around me in which I can talk to about things troubling me. I know I have a lot of loving family members and dear friends. But I feel that nobody has the time to let me vent and then be understanding of what I feel and give me advice...constructive advice! I am not saying that I am better than any of the people in my life, but I just don't think anyone else can relate to my situations and be able to advise me.
Another type of dream that I have a lot is more like a romance novel that has turned into a comedy. Get your minds out of the gutter, I did not say "wet dreams"...but that would at least be something different! In my love based dreams, I find myself at home and preparing for a night of romance, but the person of my affection never arrives. I get knocks at the door and rush to open the door only to find that nobody is there. Each time I rush to the door, my heart fills with love and desire to hold my love, and I daydream in the dream of things that will take place, only to disappointed as soon as I open the door. Time after time, I rush to the door and get my hopes up, only to have my hopes thrown away. But I continue to open the door in the hopes that someone will walk through that door and pass the time with me.
Thinking about that dream now, I know that I am not happy with the situation of my love life, because there is more than can be done, but love is a two way street. I can go down that road but I need the other person to drive the road also. But the road has many potholes, a major road bump and too many yield signs. With each obstacle, my love life seems to get detoured and has yet to get back on the same road with me. There is a frontage road my love life is on and it is driving in the same direction, but there is a still a lot of "curbs" in the way. As with every journey, there comes a time when you have to pull over and get more gas, but when the journey seems to be too long and you are not going to arrive at the same destination, getting more gas seems pointless. Do you continue on the same road or do you find a new road and try the journey with someone on the same road? Taking a new road is rather hard when the person you are on the road with is extremely important in your life.
The final dream always deals with terrible situations that seem to land me in the hospital. I have several dreams of me laying in hospital beds from various accidents and situations. Each dream is a different situation and I always recover, but the pain and heartache is experienced over and over again. The most recent dream involved me laying in a hospital bed in which there are tubes, wires, beeping machines and other medical items around me. I look around the room to see if there is anyone or anything I recognize, but there is nothing and nobody in the room with me. I lay there and listen to the machines beep and try to take inventory of my body. I can see, so I know my eyes and brain are ok...I can hear the sounds so I know my eyes are ok...I can move my arms so I know my upper body is ok. I try to move my legs and that is where I start to notice a difference immediately. I reach for the buttons on the bed to lift me up so that I can view my legs. I view my legs and I feel my legs, yet I can not move my legs. I start to cry for a nurse to come in to the room so that I can find out what is going on. After a few moments, someone dressed as a nurse arrives and proceeds in telling me what landed me in the hospital this time. The nurse explains that since I don't use my legs to walk away from situations that put my needs as a "no-priority" my legs consider me as a "no-priority" and decided to shutdown for the final time in my life.
Yes I know what this dream is saying, that I need to move on with my life and not be stuck in the mud of life. I have the ability to move on and not let life get me down, but there are so many little situations that pile up to become a large overall situation. Since I am a Libra, I hate to walk away from a unbalanced situation. I have always tried to reach a balanced state in my life, but lately, everything is unbalanced and it is taking its toll on me emotionally and physically. But that is my nature, I don't give up until I see that there is absolutely no chance of achieving balance. It is very rare that I quit or give up on things/people that are in my life. To date, there is only one person I ever gave up on, and only one situation that I decided to quit. Everything else reached a balance over time, but the question is...
In reaching balance, how much did the new balance, unbalance me from being happy with my own life? I think the answer is being worked out in my dreams, and my mind is telling me the answer, but that answer is not what my heart wants to do.
Now where did I put that instruction manual...."How to live a life and be happy with the life you live". Oh wait, that's right, there is no instruction manual to life.
For example, last night I had a dream in which I felt totally alone but I was surrounded by many people. As I would look around, I did not recognize any of the faces, because each face was just a blur. Now I am not the type of person that feels nervous in a crowd of people that I do not know...I have no problem meeting new people and starting a conversation to past the time. But in this dream, everyone that I would try to talk with, would just stop for a moment, attempt to talk with me, but then disappear before I had the chance to speak. At first I didn't think anything about the situation, and figured these people were just being nice but also in a rush to get on with their own needs. As I continued to walk around to find a familiar face in the crowd, I was see glimpses of people I knew in the crowd. As I change direction to head to those faces, I would never get close to them and those faces would disappear from the crowd.
Thinking about that dream now, I believe it is the on-going issue that I have had for many years now in which I feel that I do not have anyone around me in which I can talk to about things troubling me. I know I have a lot of loving family members and dear friends. But I feel that nobody has the time to let me vent and then be understanding of what I feel and give me advice...constructive advice! I am not saying that I am better than any of the people in my life, but I just don't think anyone else can relate to my situations and be able to advise me.
Another type of dream that I have a lot is more like a romance novel that has turned into a comedy. Get your minds out of the gutter, I did not say "wet dreams"...but that would at least be something different! In my love based dreams, I find myself at home and preparing for a night of romance, but the person of my affection never arrives. I get knocks at the door and rush to open the door only to find that nobody is there. Each time I rush to the door, my heart fills with love and desire to hold my love, and I daydream in the dream of things that will take place, only to disappointed as soon as I open the door. Time after time, I rush to the door and get my hopes up, only to have my hopes thrown away. But I continue to open the door in the hopes that someone will walk through that door and pass the time with me.
Thinking about that dream now, I know that I am not happy with the situation of my love life, because there is more than can be done, but love is a two way street. I can go down that road but I need the other person to drive the road also. But the road has many potholes, a major road bump and too many yield signs. With each obstacle, my love life seems to get detoured and has yet to get back on the same road with me. There is a frontage road my love life is on and it is driving in the same direction, but there is a still a lot of "curbs" in the way. As with every journey, there comes a time when you have to pull over and get more gas, but when the journey seems to be too long and you are not going to arrive at the same destination, getting more gas seems pointless. Do you continue on the same road or do you find a new road and try the journey with someone on the same road? Taking a new road is rather hard when the person you are on the road with is extremely important in your life.
The final dream always deals with terrible situations that seem to land me in the hospital. I have several dreams of me laying in hospital beds from various accidents and situations. Each dream is a different situation and I always recover, but the pain and heartache is experienced over and over again. The most recent dream involved me laying in a hospital bed in which there are tubes, wires, beeping machines and other medical items around me. I look around the room to see if there is anyone or anything I recognize, but there is nothing and nobody in the room with me. I lay there and listen to the machines beep and try to take inventory of my body. I can see, so I know my eyes and brain are ok...I can hear the sounds so I know my eyes are ok...I can move my arms so I know my upper body is ok. I try to move my legs and that is where I start to notice a difference immediately. I reach for the buttons on the bed to lift me up so that I can view my legs. I view my legs and I feel my legs, yet I can not move my legs. I start to cry for a nurse to come in to the room so that I can find out what is going on. After a few moments, someone dressed as a nurse arrives and proceeds in telling me what landed me in the hospital this time. The nurse explains that since I don't use my legs to walk away from situations that put my needs as a "no-priority" my legs consider me as a "no-priority" and decided to shutdown for the final time in my life.
Yes I know what this dream is saying, that I need to move on with my life and not be stuck in the mud of life. I have the ability to move on and not let life get me down, but there are so many little situations that pile up to become a large overall situation. Since I am a Libra, I hate to walk away from a unbalanced situation. I have always tried to reach a balanced state in my life, but lately, everything is unbalanced and it is taking its toll on me emotionally and physically. But that is my nature, I don't give up until I see that there is absolutely no chance of achieving balance. It is very rare that I quit or give up on things/people that are in my life. To date, there is only one person I ever gave up on, and only one situation that I decided to quit. Everything else reached a balance over time, but the question is...
In reaching balance, how much did the new balance, unbalance me from being happy with my own life? I think the answer is being worked out in my dreams, and my mind is telling me the answer, but that answer is not what my heart wants to do.
Now where did I put that instruction manual...."How to live a life and be happy with the life you live". Oh wait, that's right, there is no instruction manual to life.
Time....change...
I think the Brady Bunch said it the best "when it's time to change, you've got to rearrange, who you are into what you're going to be". Yes I know it is very corny, but the statement is very true if you really stop to think about it. But as always, "it's easier said than done".
If you are able to list 3 things that you don't like about yourself and try to work on each thing, what is the priority that you would used to organize what you want to start with. Do you start with money, health, love, intelligence, hobbies, sleeping or even those that you have around you? Which one is the most important thing in your life...because the priorities in your life changes from week to week, year to year.
Let's say I start with health. That would be easy and hard because I LOVE GREAT TASTING FOOD and that does not help me with my weight, blood pressure, hypertension or staying out of the kitchen when I am stressing over something. I would love to sit down with a fork and a cheesecake from The Chessecake Factory and just completely nuts. Bite by bite giving me the emotional equal to an orgasm. Yes you read that correctly, I said the O word because that is exactly how I feel about cheesecake.
Ok, so if I can't start with health, do I start with intelligence? I know some people what already call me smart, but the only problem with that is...they like to add the word "ass" on to the end of smart. I may not have the same book smarts that people have from major college courses, but I do have great street smarts. I have an opinion on most issues that people present to me, or at least I have heard of the issue previously. Yeah I know, I am in college right now and learning a lot of things I never knew previously...but it is all geek related with computers, networks, switches, routers, servers, operating systems, databases, programming languages....ugh and the list keeps going from there! I watch the news for about a day, and then get tired of all the news and bury my head into other non-news channels. I know I have intelligence...but I don't want to be so smart that I forget how to tie...um, you know, those things you put on your feet...oh yeah, shoes. I have read about some people that get so smart that reality doesn't make sense any longer.
Hmm, since I am ok with my intelligence and my health, then I guess I would have to start with love. That is an easy one to deal with. I know what I like and I know who I like, too bad the same feelings of love are no longer there. So it is still easy, because I can just become a heartless bastard that pushes everyone away so that I don't have to be hurt by someone that just doesn't care. Well, I have to clarify that, it's not that they don't care, they do care, but about their own cares. So again it is still easy to deal with because I can just become the same type of person and get what I want however I have to get it! Who cares if the other person is not happy with the situation, who cares if no clear answers were given to the tons of questions about what changed.
I am not even going to think about the other items because it gets to the point that you realize that there is too many things to change in your life....well that is if you have a pathetic life like me. I am still a nice guy and like to spend time with people, but it just seems like I am spending time, wishing for change, instead of spending time, making things change.
If you are able to list 3 things that you don't like about yourself and try to work on each thing, what is the priority that you would used to organize what you want to start with. Do you start with money, health, love, intelligence, hobbies, sleeping or even those that you have around you? Which one is the most important thing in your life...because the priorities in your life changes from week to week, year to year.
Let's say I start with health. That would be easy and hard because I LOVE GREAT TASTING FOOD and that does not help me with my weight, blood pressure, hypertension or staying out of the kitchen when I am stressing over something. I would love to sit down with a fork and a cheesecake from The Chessecake Factory and just completely nuts. Bite by bite giving me the emotional equal to an orgasm. Yes you read that correctly, I said the O word because that is exactly how I feel about cheesecake.
Ok, so if I can't start with health, do I start with intelligence? I know some people what already call me smart, but the only problem with that is...they like to add the word "ass" on to the end of smart. I may not have the same book smarts that people have from major college courses, but I do have great street smarts. I have an opinion on most issues that people present to me, or at least I have heard of the issue previously. Yeah I know, I am in college right now and learning a lot of things I never knew previously...but it is all geek related with computers, networks, switches, routers, servers, operating systems, databases, programming languages....ugh and the list keeps going from there! I watch the news for about a day, and then get tired of all the news and bury my head into other non-news channels. I know I have intelligence...but I don't want to be so smart that I forget how to tie...um, you know, those things you put on your feet...oh yeah, shoes. I have read about some people that get so smart that reality doesn't make sense any longer.
Hmm, since I am ok with my intelligence and my health, then I guess I would have to start with love. That is an easy one to deal with. I know what I like and I know who I like, too bad the same feelings of love are no longer there. So it is still easy, because I can just become a heartless bastard that pushes everyone away so that I don't have to be hurt by someone that just doesn't care. Well, I have to clarify that, it's not that they don't care, they do care, but about their own cares. So again it is still easy to deal with because I can just become the same type of person and get what I want however I have to get it! Who cares if the other person is not happy with the situation, who cares if no clear answers were given to the tons of questions about what changed.
I am not even going to think about the other items because it gets to the point that you realize that there is too many things to change in your life....well that is if you have a pathetic life like me. I am still a nice guy and like to spend time with people, but it just seems like I am spending time, wishing for change, instead of spending time, making things change.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Desires...the crutch of living
Take a moment...think of the hardest substances known to man. (Steel, Titanium, Iron, Concrete etc). Now think of your greatest desires...between your desires and these substances, which ones are harder to break?
For some bizarre reason, as I went to bed last night, the word desire popped into my head and never left me all night long. I found myself dreaming of things that people have had a desire to have in their lives. To make it simple, I found myself walking around in a futuristic Las Vegas Convention Center. Surrounded by all of the latest and greatest gadgets, gizmos and what-nots. As I walk along each aisle, I see things that spark a fire in my "desire furnace". If you think about it, furnace is the proper descriptive word because a person gets hotter and hotter as they add more desire to their life.
Since everyone is different, I can not assume that I know the real desires of everyone, but I can name a few that the majority of all of us have in common: Love, health, wealth. Let's look at these just a little closer:
Since everyone is different, I can not assume that I know the real desires of everyone, but I can name a few that the majority of all of us have in common: Love, health, wealth. Let's look at these just a little closer:
- Love - The greatest desire of them all. It has the power to make men doing crazy things, to lead countries to wars and cause people to kill someone when that Love is taken away. Most people will say that taking another person's life is not possible, but if someone caused the death of your love(r), that pain can lead you to kill. If you doubt it, then look at the law shows and various court cases that mention "A Crime of Passion"...you can't have passion without love!
- Health - Everyone desires health, even the blind man who is deaf and trapped in a wheelchair or hospital bed, wants to stay alive. People will spend thousands of dollars to be healthy, instead of being happy. People put their bodies through machines, surgeries, chemicals and endless hours of exercise and diets. Staying healthy has become a second full time job to many people. The odd thing...the healthy die young and the junk food eaters die old. (It has to do with the amount of preservatives in the junk food, our organs are preserved from the inside out!) Do what you want for happiness in your life.
- Wealth - The all mighty currency is the biggest common desire for everyone. The richest people in the world live to spend, while the poor spend to live. I remember a saying, "It is easier for a rich man to pass through the eye of a needle than to get into the kingdom of heaven". That should tell us all something, that the pursuit of wealth can corrupt the soul. Since you can't take it with you, why have all of it while you are here...sounds like the Star Trek civilization is the proper way to go...no money, everyone does things to better themselves and society.
I have desires for love, health and wealth, but I try my best to keep those desires in check because I rather live happy than in the constant pursuit of desires. If you are always in the pursuit of desires, then life just seems to slip through your fingers. We are not here that long and it seems like many people are in a race to the finish. It's a competition to be "a big boy with big boy toys". Those toys do bring happiness...while they are new, in style or the fad...but soon will gather dust and dirt like every toy we had when we were kids.
Drive by your neighborhood elementary school and see how happy all of the little kids are to be there. Their lives at that time are not full of desires, other than recess,candy, holidays, games, candy and summertime. They have no worries other than being picked on by the class bully, or what icky food is going to be served for lunch. It's only when they get older and we adults start filling their heads with desires which quickly replaces the cute little dreams of what they want to be.
On average, each person has at least 10 unique desires that become the foundation of the pile. As time goes on, smaller desires are placed on top of the pile and the pile grows higher and higher. As with any large mass, you need a support structure to maintain that pile from falling. This is when you start to find other things to support that pile...your crutches. You tell yourself that you can hold off on "this" to get "that", which will lead to "those". "Those" is a stepping stone to "them" and will lead to "there". So you want "this" but you end up with "that, those, them" when all along "this" has fallen further down the pile of desires. As it falls, you realize that you need more support, in comes another crutch.
If you have ever hurt your leg and needed to be on crutches to get around, you know the pain and the fear associated with making one wrong move on those crutches. We have no choice but to use the crutch because we want to heal and remove the pain. Once the pain is gone, the crutch is not thrown away, but put away in the closet because we think it will be needed again.
It is fine to have desires in your life, just make sure that you can manage those desires, otherwise you will live your life on crutches. If you find that your life is full of crutches already, take the time to evaluate where you are at this time in your life. Do you really need "this", can you settle for "that"...before you know it, you have removed "those" from the pile and made it a little easier to achieve "this" desire.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Nightmare...
I awake this morning feeling very disturbed from a series of dreams I had last night. Each time I woke up, I would say "WTF" and hope to dream of something more pleasant, but I didn't. This is my attempt at trying to remember some of the things I seen in the dream:
I was a network administrator given the task of networking for the first time a large complex of building and structures for a new development that seemed to stretch for several square miles. Working in the temporary Data Center with the engineers and subcontractors on the physical layout of the wiring schema. From the blueprints that I was viewing, I knew where I would have to make connections, run trays, install wires under raised floors and use the proper shielded cables. Everything seemed to be in order and the project moved along on time and on budget.
At one point I needed to go out to an area under construction and resolve an issue with my team on the placement of wires. As I approached the area, I noticed a few signs around the area that just had names shown with numbers on the signs as well. I approached the OK-95, NY-01 and NO-05 area to talk about the placement of network cables. I could see three fellow team members that appeared to be disturbed and refused to work in the area. I walked up to the members and had a conversation with them but there was no audio of the discussion. I knew that something was preventing them from doing their job and I had to resolve the issue.
I ended my discussion with the three members and walked all three out of the construction area and accepted their resignations. In order to get the job completed, I had to find replacements. I was not successful at finding replacements and had to work on the area myself. As I gathered my tools, I noticed a reflection in a window of the construction area. The reflection reminded me of something but at the time, I did not pay attention. I was more concerned with completing the task at hand.
With blueprints in hand and my tools over my shoulder, started down the path to the work site. At this point, many days had gone by because there was now a few more structures being built. But there was something very odd about these various structures along the path...nobody was working on them but I could tell them were not done. None of the structures appeared to be complete, however the blueprints were saying that they were complete. I walked through areas: CC-40 through CC-45, PH-41, OK-95, CHS-95 and then finally arrived at HT-10. As I walked through the areas, a feeling was coming over me or absolute dispair, anger, pain and sadness...yet I still did not know what it was I was walking through.
I arrived to my distination and completed my task of wiring for the network. With all of my tools in my hands and a sense of happiness for being done, I quickly headed back to the Data Center. As I approached the Center, I noticed a sign indicating that the data center was moved to it's new location up the hill. I headed up the hill and found the data center with nobody around. I walked in and located my new office. As I was setting up my office, a few people walked by and they just looked at me with tears in their eyes. I tried to find out what was wrong but they quickly left...matter of fact, everyone was leaving. I just could not understand.
As I placed personal items around my new office, I again noticed a reflection in the window, but this time, I did not ignore the reflection. I turned to the window and looked out over the area down the hill from the Data Center. To my shock and horror, I finally noticed in full detail what I had just finish networking. It was the largest museum in the world...but it was no normal museum, it was a musuem of death and destruction. As I looked in total horror I realized what those coded signs represented around the area: Concentration Camps (CC), Pearl Harbor(PH), Oklahoma City(OK), Columbine High School(CHS), New York(NY), New Orleans(NO) and Haiti(HT). Each area was a complete recreation of the carnage and chaos of those locations. But there were other areas in the distance as far as the eye could see, it seemed to go on forever.
Standing there in total shock, I looked to the left of the area to see a very large sign that read "Coming Soon" with construction workers standing under the sign, reading newspapers and drawing blueprints.
I never wanted to dream a dream like that ever again!!!!
I was a network administrator given the task of networking for the first time a large complex of building and structures for a new development that seemed to stretch for several square miles. Working in the temporary Data Center with the engineers and subcontractors on the physical layout of the wiring schema. From the blueprints that I was viewing, I knew where I would have to make connections, run trays, install wires under raised floors and use the proper shielded cables. Everything seemed to be in order and the project moved along on time and on budget.
At one point I needed to go out to an area under construction and resolve an issue with my team on the placement of wires. As I approached the area, I noticed a few signs around the area that just had names shown with numbers on the signs as well. I approached the OK-95, NY-01 and NO-05 area to talk about the placement of network cables. I could see three fellow team members that appeared to be disturbed and refused to work in the area. I walked up to the members and had a conversation with them but there was no audio of the discussion. I knew that something was preventing them from doing their job and I had to resolve the issue.
I ended my discussion with the three members and walked all three out of the construction area and accepted their resignations. In order to get the job completed, I had to find replacements. I was not successful at finding replacements and had to work on the area myself. As I gathered my tools, I noticed a reflection in a window of the construction area. The reflection reminded me of something but at the time, I did not pay attention. I was more concerned with completing the task at hand.
With blueprints in hand and my tools over my shoulder, started down the path to the work site. At this point, many days had gone by because there was now a few more structures being built. But there was something very odd about these various structures along the path...nobody was working on them but I could tell them were not done. None of the structures appeared to be complete, however the blueprints were saying that they were complete. I walked through areas: CC-40 through CC-45, PH-41, OK-95, CHS-95 and then finally arrived at HT-10. As I walked through the areas, a feeling was coming over me or absolute dispair, anger, pain and sadness...yet I still did not know what it was I was walking through.
I arrived to my distination and completed my task of wiring for the network. With all of my tools in my hands and a sense of happiness for being done, I quickly headed back to the Data Center. As I approached the Center, I noticed a sign indicating that the data center was moved to it's new location up the hill. I headed up the hill and found the data center with nobody around. I walked in and located my new office. As I was setting up my office, a few people walked by and they just looked at me with tears in their eyes. I tried to find out what was wrong but they quickly left...matter of fact, everyone was leaving. I just could not understand.
As I placed personal items around my new office, I again noticed a reflection in the window, but this time, I did not ignore the reflection. I turned to the window and looked out over the area down the hill from the Data Center. To my shock and horror, I finally noticed in full detail what I had just finish networking. It was the largest museum in the world...but it was no normal museum, it was a musuem of death and destruction. As I looked in total horror I realized what those coded signs represented around the area: Concentration Camps (CC), Pearl Harbor(PH), Oklahoma City(OK), Columbine High School(CHS), New York(NY), New Orleans(NO) and Haiti(HT). Each area was a complete recreation of the carnage and chaos of those locations. But there were other areas in the distance as far as the eye could see, it seemed to go on forever.
Standing there in total shock, I looked to the left of the area to see a very large sign that read "Coming Soon" with construction workers standing under the sign, reading newspapers and drawing blueprints.
I never wanted to dream a dream like that ever again!!!!
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Regrets of life or life with regrets...
I was once told that if you reach the end of your life and the things that you think of the most is regrets, then there is a good chance that you really did not live. I can only assume that in some form or fashion, everyone has something that they regret in their past or present.
Do I have regrets? Yes, I have plenty of regrets and it hurts to think about them so much. Do I think that I have reached the end of my life? No, because I have no clue what the future holds for me, and there is no chance that I would do something stupid to shorten my life. So why am I thinking about the regrets of my life? If I knew the answer to that questiion, I guess I would be laying in bed right now instead of typing my thoughts into this computer.
To be fair to those that may read this posting, I am not going to give details because I don't regret the "life experiences", but I may regret the end results of those experiences. I know that I have specific categories that my regrets fall within and I can say that they are spiritual, love, business and friendship. Most of my regrets span multiple categories because of the people and issues involved, but only a few deal with one category.
You will notice that I did not say family, because I do not regret my family at all, because they are my blood and I love them all equally and eternally. There may be times when we do not speak to each for several days, weeks, months and even years; but my heart loves each and every single blood family member.
Let's start with spiritual. There was a very special time in my life when I was a teenager and attended church regularly. The day in which I freely walked to the alter and accepted the Lord as my savior was an amazing day in my life. There are no words that can describe the emotions and physical feelings that I felt when the spirit of the Lord entered my soul. But I can describe the emotions and feelings that I felt and feel for the years that I have been considered as a "back-slider". I know the correct things to do to regain those feelings, and I pray that I have the time to sort my life out and move back in the right direction. I know I should not wait, and the longer I wait, the longer I stay away from eternally happiness. So there is a regret.
Regrets in and of love. Regrets of the heart are always so painful for everyone. What is that old saying, "it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all" (or something like that). I can understand the statement but sometimes I think it is better to have never loved, but a broken heart is so painful. Although many will say that each time you get a broken heart, it mends and that which does not kill you, only makes you stronger. I cannot agree with that because I have been in love for many years, but my heart still aches for the love that is portrayed in movies. I was watching a movie earlier that I have seen several times and by the end of the movie I have tears in my eyes because I share the heartache of the actor. Since I can feel that ache, then I assume that I have felt that love/warmth previously and now that I don't, that is why I have tears in my eyes and an ache in my heart. Will I ever get that feeling back in my life...I don't know because all relationships are on a two-way street. I have been on that street for many years, and at times I see a light ahead traveling towards me, but the light never seems to come to me.
Regrets in business. This one is too easy because I don't regret leaving that job, but I do regret what that job took from me. The stresses that I felt have impacted me mentally, physically and emotionally. The emotional aspect triggered memories of my youth and made my mental state a major challenge. While the emotional and mental stress kept building higher, my physical health dropped lower and lower. Dropped so low that while returning from a waste-of-time business trip, I had a heart event on the plane at 30K feet in the air. Upon landing, I spent 4 days in the Intensive Care Unit in Salt Lake City, UT. Strangers all around me, and nobody at all that I can trust with my life and pain. Doctors coming and going for one day and then being told that I need a pacemaker. Crack my chest open and mess with my wounded heart. I had two major emotions going through me at the same time...total anger and total fear. I had only a matter of minutes to decide if I was going to allow a strange doctorr that I never seen before to mess with my already hurting heart. I told them no, and requested that they contact my cardiologist back home. Thankfully, my doctor said no and told them to patch me up and get me home. It took a lot of strength to get on that plane to fly home. My regret was letting work take over my life and made me do and say things I should have never done.
Regrets of friendships. This one is unique because to me, every person that I call a friend, has earned that title from me...even though they may not see me in the same manner. I have nothing negative to say about any of my friends, because they are each incredible in their own way. I just regret that each has their own life and it is so hard to spend quality time with each of them as we did many years ago. My friends have always been a great source of strength for me because it gives me the chance to be there for that friend. I try my best to not live in the past, but the past was a much happier time for me.
I guess overall, I truly have a lot of regrets, and I regret that nearly each night as I lay in bed...those regrets begin to surface in my mind. I work the issue of the regret through in my mind and I have to realize that there is nothing that I can do about the regret. There is nothing to do about some of the regrets so I move those to the back of my mind and just let it float around back there and develop it's own tumorous regret.
There is one thing that I can say...with all of these regrets...at least I haven't turned to hard liquor or drugs to numb the pain of life. I guess since I have regrets...I have lived a life.
Do I have regrets? Yes, I have plenty of regrets and it hurts to think about them so much. Do I think that I have reached the end of my life? No, because I have no clue what the future holds for me, and there is no chance that I would do something stupid to shorten my life. So why am I thinking about the regrets of my life? If I knew the answer to that questiion, I guess I would be laying in bed right now instead of typing my thoughts into this computer.
To be fair to those that may read this posting, I am not going to give details because I don't regret the "life experiences", but I may regret the end results of those experiences. I know that I have specific categories that my regrets fall within and I can say that they are spiritual, love, business and friendship. Most of my regrets span multiple categories because of the people and issues involved, but only a few deal with one category.
You will notice that I did not say family, because I do not regret my family at all, because they are my blood and I love them all equally and eternally. There may be times when we do not speak to each for several days, weeks, months and even years; but my heart loves each and every single blood family member.
Let's start with spiritual. There was a very special time in my life when I was a teenager and attended church regularly. The day in which I freely walked to the alter and accepted the Lord as my savior was an amazing day in my life. There are no words that can describe the emotions and physical feelings that I felt when the spirit of the Lord entered my soul. But I can describe the emotions and feelings that I felt and feel for the years that I have been considered as a "back-slider". I know the correct things to do to regain those feelings, and I pray that I have the time to sort my life out and move back in the right direction. I know I should not wait, and the longer I wait, the longer I stay away from eternally happiness. So there is a regret.
Regrets in and of love. Regrets of the heart are always so painful for everyone. What is that old saying, "it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all" (or something like that). I can understand the statement but sometimes I think it is better to have never loved, but a broken heart is so painful. Although many will say that each time you get a broken heart, it mends and that which does not kill you, only makes you stronger. I cannot agree with that because I have been in love for many years, but my heart still aches for the love that is portrayed in movies. I was watching a movie earlier that I have seen several times and by the end of the movie I have tears in my eyes because I share the heartache of the actor. Since I can feel that ache, then I assume that I have felt that love/warmth previously and now that I don't, that is why I have tears in my eyes and an ache in my heart. Will I ever get that feeling back in my life...I don't know because all relationships are on a two-way street. I have been on that street for many years, and at times I see a light ahead traveling towards me, but the light never seems to come to me.
Regrets in business. This one is too easy because I don't regret leaving that job, but I do regret what that job took from me. The stresses that I felt have impacted me mentally, physically and emotionally. The emotional aspect triggered memories of my youth and made my mental state a major challenge. While the emotional and mental stress kept building higher, my physical health dropped lower and lower. Dropped so low that while returning from a waste-of-time business trip, I had a heart event on the plane at 30K feet in the air. Upon landing, I spent 4 days in the Intensive Care Unit in Salt Lake City, UT. Strangers all around me, and nobody at all that I can trust with my life and pain. Doctors coming and going for one day and then being told that I need a pacemaker. Crack my chest open and mess with my wounded heart. I had two major emotions going through me at the same time...total anger and total fear. I had only a matter of minutes to decide if I was going to allow a strange doctorr that I never seen before to mess with my already hurting heart. I told them no, and requested that they contact my cardiologist back home. Thankfully, my doctor said no and told them to patch me up and get me home. It took a lot of strength to get on that plane to fly home. My regret was letting work take over my life and made me do and say things I should have never done.
Regrets of friendships. This one is unique because to me, every person that I call a friend, has earned that title from me...even though they may not see me in the same manner. I have nothing negative to say about any of my friends, because they are each incredible in their own way. I just regret that each has their own life and it is so hard to spend quality time with each of them as we did many years ago. My friends have always been a great source of strength for me because it gives me the chance to be there for that friend. I try my best to not live in the past, but the past was a much happier time for me.
I guess overall, I truly have a lot of regrets, and I regret that nearly each night as I lay in bed...those regrets begin to surface in my mind. I work the issue of the regret through in my mind and I have to realize that there is nothing that I can do about the regret. There is nothing to do about some of the regrets so I move those to the back of my mind and just let it float around back there and develop it's own tumorous regret.
There is one thing that I can say...with all of these regrets...at least I haven't turned to hard liquor or drugs to numb the pain of life. I guess since I have regrets...I have lived a life.
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