Tired of the news...

In recent days I have come to the conclusion that some people have trouble thinking for themselves. Is it possible that people have gone so far to the edge of sanity that someone else needs to tell us what is right and what is wrong? I know that does not make sense, but if you think about it a little while, it makes perfect sense.

In recent weeks I have seen so many things on the news that I have grown tired of the watching the daily news. Depending on which broadcast you watch, you will hear the same news from so many different points of view it becomes un-news-worthy. Fox has a take, CNN has a take, Local news has a take...take take take take take. There is so many spins put on a single event, it makes me wonder if the event really happened at all.

Maybe I am just getting to that point in my life when I want the quick and simple truth so that I can move on to the next half-hour of my life. I could be the victim of being desensitized…like so many of our youth in America. Every time I see something about a shooting, a drug bust, a dirty politician, a religious rapist, a cop related shooting, a leak of government documents, etc…I just roll my eyes and say “that figures”. But when a story comes on the news about a good person doing something good, we tend to look away and do something in the kitchen or go back to reading.

Has the American society as a whole only pay attention to the drama and evil that seems to be growing? There are some days when I don’t even want the television on, or if it is on, I channel surf through the tons of brainless channels to find something to have on in the background. A few weeks ago, I actually went two days without turning on the television and worked on my computer for the two days.

Here is a perfect example. Today I seen on the news a story about a mass murder that took place just outside the El Paso, TX area in Mexico. There were children at a birthday party and each of them where shot by random but deliberate gunfire. One news channel said that is was the Mexican drug cartel, another said it was gang related, and a third just mentioned it in passing. The first channel showed pictures of the event, and the other two did not. It was an absolutely tragic and disturbing event, but our news channels could not say the same thing. The truly terrible part of the whole event is the fact that I felt sad for those kids’ parents, but since it happened in another country, I really didn’t give a damn. I know that is terrible and heartless to say but I am being honest because it has nothing to do with me or the area I live within. Out of sight, out of mind!

We have so many problems right here in America why do we need to fill our news with tragic events from around the world. It just makes me realize that the same idiots we have heard are just as bad everywhere else. I rather the news stay within the US and tell us what is going on here…the good and the bad. But PLEASE give me just the truth and let me decide for myself if I give a damn.

This is just a rant because I feel like ranting at the moment.

Release stress...

Do you have those moments when you feel stressed but you are not sure why you feel that way?  Well for me, I am having one of those moments right now.  Why?  I have no clue.  I am sitting on my best friend's sofa, watching a rerun of "House" on the Bravo channel.  I am not really paying attention to the show, other than when House gives another one of his brutal jerk like comments to other people.  I have the television on for the noise and to keep me awake so that I can make the attempt to type this blog for the night.

When I am stressed, I try my best to distract myself with something else to do or something else to think about for a period of time.  Although lately, those techniques are not working for me any longer. In moments when I am alone, I find my mind quickly going to the "problem of the day".  Only one problem with that...I no longer have any options, on how to solve the problems, because I am so tired of everything.

Now that is another stressful issue, because everyone that knows me, knows that I never get tired of everything, because I try to be diplomatic about all things.  I always tell people that one of my greatest personality traits is the fact that it takes a lot to make me mad, because I have a large amount of patience.  But just like a lake covered in ice in the spring...the ice is getting thinner as the days go by.  Some days I can make it through with no problems, and others I am ready to just snap. The big question who or what is going to be that breaking point?

Some people say that you should write down those things that upset or make you happy so that you can further define what are the causes for each.  To be honest, if I wrote down what makes me upset, then I will be writing for a rather long time.  For example, the "upset" things I can think of right now:  getting older and feeling my health is starting to slip away, drastic reduction of income, a growing distrust in people around me, a complete lack of a sex-life, a dislike in the neighbors living around me, etc.  As for those things that make me happy...right now, I have none of them around me or available to me.  No they are not illegal, so get that out of your mind.  I want a lot of candy, ice cream, sodas...yes all of those things that make you gain weight.

I have never been the type of person that gives a damn what other people might think of me, and I prefer that those people actually approach me and speak the truth to my face.  That way, I have the chance to learn from them what they do not like, and I can quickly determine if I am going to work on changing myself, or just tell that person to go "F..k yourself".  Now that by itself is bad, because I normally would never say something like that to anyone.  But I find myself wanting to cuss people out for doing stupid things, for treating me badly, for not helping me satisfy my own needs.

Am I just getting to the age where I start to reject the ridiculous and only want to deal with facts?  Am I becoming a cold-hearted person based on my life experiences?  Or have I just finally got to that one point with my life where I am tired and looking forward to the time where I can put life on cruise control.  I am tired of the rat race and everything that goes with it, but I am not fooling myself, I know I have to get back into the rat race. But I think it is the rat race that has me ready to self commit myself to a mental hospital just to get some rest from everyone.  (For those immediately around me, if you are reading this, don't over react because I am not in the mood to deal with whatever damn drama you want to give based on this writing.  Remember, this is my own personal writings and I can say whatever I want to say.)

I know there is one major stress that I have right now, and I don't know why, but I don't trust the things people say to me at all.  For once I wish people would just get to the point, tell me the facts and ask me for my opinion without a bunch of bullshit words.  Get to the point already, I don't want to hear everything that leads up to the primary topic/issue.  It would save you and me a lot of time when you talk with me.  There are a few people around me in the last few days that got the chance to experience my "get to the f..king point" mood and I know it was a great shock to them.  I am sorry for that mood, but quite frankly...I am tired of listening to everyone's problems and when it is time for me to have problems, NOBODY GIVES A DAMN ABOUT ME.  How do I know they don't...because they all do the most rude thing in the world...interrupt me while I am trying to talk about what is making me upset.

I get started, then the next thing I know, the person I am talking with either starts to watch TV, type on a computer, change the conversation or try to relate to me by telling me something from their past that has nothing to do with what my issue might be.  When I get those responses when I am looking for help, I start to shut down and become a cold bastard.  Yes I can be cold heartless bastard if I really wanted to because I have it in me to be a total asshole if I really want to be.

Oh well, most people that read this will just say that I whining about things, and maybe I am, but I would love for those people to walk a day in my shoes.  If you don't walk a day in my shoes or don't have the same desires that I have for life, then maybe it is just the right time for you to be honest with me and clear the air.  Because either you are wasting my time or I am wasting your time.  Make a choice and make the right choice, because life is too short for me to have a lot of excuses, lies, fake facts and bullshit in my life.

For those that know I am cool with you, then stay the same and just duck when I get to the point where I am ready to snap.  But make sure that you know for a fact that I am cool with you, because you will be surprised how short the list is for those people that I am ok with.  Matter of fact, not giving any names, but there are only 4 people that don't have to worry about me going off on them at some point in time and they are all female.

Relationships

How many relationships do you have in your life?  How do you build a strong relationship?  How do you know when a relationship is going bad or getting better?  Is there signs for when a relationship is is unhealthy even if everything seems to be going just fine?

I know when I was younger, the older generations would tell me that a strong relationship would depend on how much time and effort each person would put into keeping the relationship strong.  Usually with conversation, care, concern, understanding and the lack of being selfish.  People would try their best to work together to solve problems that would arise in the relationship.  Sometimes they would work it out and then there were times that the problems would just get harder to work out.

Now I am not just talking about a relationship that you have with a spouse, because there are several other kinds of relationships out there.  It could be with a co-worker, family member or friends.  Of course if it is with a spouse there is more importance on working through any problems to maintain the marriage.  But we all know that there does come a time in which some relationships just fade away in time.  Is that because there wasn't a strong foundation created prior to the relationship?

When I think back over the years and look at the different relationships that I have had, I realize that some of those relationships are no longer there.  It seems like as I get older, I find myself wanting to reduce the number of relationships that I have because it is harder to maintain all of them at the same time.  I know certain friend relationships are still there because friends still call or email me from time to time just to say hello.  There are some friends, that I have not heard from for many years, yet I still love them just the same.  Yes I said love because to me that is what they earned from me...my love and to know that they are loved.  There are certain friends from my past that always put a smile on my face and a warmth in my heart when I just think about them.  All of the fun and sad times that we have spent together over the years.  I guess I can assume that those relationships are cemented in a firm foundation.

There are some relationships that I think about and just wonder to myself...why am I even around this person.  Not because they are mean to me, but because it seems that the value of that relationship was exhausted due to problems not being worked out.  Would that be my fault or their fault or just a combination of both.  I will not assume that I am perfect because I know I am not, so I default to thinking that the fault is mine. Well at least I used to think that way until a few months ago.

One night when I was feeling very alone and seemed to have lost my way, I started to think about all of the friends that I had such wonderful times with and how I never hear from them at all.  Did I do something wrong, did I hurt their feelings in some way and never realized it?  I thought about the last moments that I was with each friend and tried to analyze if something went wrong or if I missed something.  With the exception of one friend, which I know I did something to make him angry at me, the other friends I have no clue why our relationships are not still there.

I have always taken pride in the fact that I have so many friends all over the place, but it seems like as I get older, those relationships are sliding away from me, year by year.  How many times have you told yourself, "I will give _______ a call next week".  Then before you know it, it is next year, then next decade and so on.  I have done that with some of my friends too much and then regret it when I hear bad news later on about that friend or one of their loved ones that I knew as well.  It's not like me to lose touch with those that are near and dear to my heart.  But I guess that is no longer true, since I have not tried to reach out and touch many of my old friends.  (Facebook and email doesn't count to me)

Is there signs for when a relationship is starting to fall apart?  I believe that there are several signs, but most of the time we just don't want to deal with it and fool ourselves into thinking that things will get better.  Well things do get better but only because those in the relationship choose to ignore or side-step the problem without trying to resolve the problems.  Once you have enough things ignored or piled up on the side you may notice how hard it becomes to tolerate the little things that you did mind previously.  Is that being true to yourself or those in the relationship?  No it is not!  There are too many people that stick with relationships just because they are comfortable with it or they are afraid to lose the relationship.  Some people in relationships become dependent upon the other person/people so they can't let go of the the relationship.  It can quickly seem like a jail cell that you can not escape.  Each bar in the cell is another item from the relationship, and after awhile you have built a maximum security prison in which there is no escape and you have been given a life sentence.

I guess the best thing to do to prevent that prison is take the time to look at the relationships that we have in our lives and determine if it has the potential to become a prison cell.  If it does then you need to take the step to correct the problems, or let go of the relationship.  I know some people will say "easier said than done"...well it is easier said than done, because you really need to evaluate the relationships you are in and find out if it is worth it.

Now that I think about it, relationships are like investments, because depending on how much you put into it, will determine how much you get out of it.  But you also have to remember that just like some investments, you can still turn a profit, but end up hurt in the long run.  When you start to see a dip in the relationship, it is time to take a good look at things and decide to ride it out and hope for a rebound, or pull out and invest somewhere else.

For me, I have not pulled out any investments, and decided to ride it out with all of my relationships.  There are a very small few relationships that are critical to me, but it seems 1 or 2 of them is on the decline and no matter what I do, I just can't get that relationship back to the level it was before.  I keep telling myself that it will get better, but the longer I wait, the older I get and the more set in my ways I become.  I really don't want my relationships to crash and I am not looking for mega profits, but I do want them to be enjoyable again.  Lord knows I have put as much effort as I can into them, now lets just see if those in these relationships find any worth or value in me.  If they don't, then I wish they would just tell me now so that I can gain closure!

Without a father...

Is it possible for a man to grow up without a father and still turn out right? I ask myself that question a lot. Why do I ask that question...it is because I have never known who my father is. Even at a very young age I would wonder who my father was and why he was not around to help me, save me, protect me and teach me.


Now I did have a father figure, but it was my uncle and let me just say, he was not a person that I would want to be like.  Over the years as I was growing up, things turned very ugly between him and I, to the point that we had one major moment one night when I was 16.  That moment was the last chapter in the book of being a victim and allowing him to treat me like trash.  Let's just put it this way, both of us survived that night, and neither of us laid a hand on the other, but what was said and the actions that were taken, made it absolutely clear to him that I had enough.


Because of my experiences growing up around a man that was verbally and physically abusive, statistics say that history would repeat itself if I would have children.  Well, the statistics were wrong for me, because I have never treated my sons in the manner that I was treated as I grew up.  I worked very hard over the years to ensure that my sons both know that I love them, and that their father would do everything possible to be a FATHER.


I wanted to ensure that I deserved the title of "Father" instead of being called "the biological sperm donor".  The sad thing about some men today is the fact that they can't call themselves a father because they have turned their backs on their children.  It really amazes me at times how a man, who is willing to spend the few minutes of fun, can't live up to the end result of creating a life.  Like the saying, "if you do the crime, then you can do the time". Well, I think the same is true for some men in this day and age.  They get a female pregnant and before you know it, they deny that the child is their child.  They reject the mother and child because of stupid reasons, which most of the time is all about being selfish.  They want to play the field more, and don't want to settle down or be tied to one female.  These males and not men and can never be fathers because a man and father takes care of their child no matter what!!!


All of that sounds great, but the truly sad things about this...I didn't learn this from my "father figure".  I learned it from being around my friends' fathers and watching fathers on television shows/movies.  There was a love/hate thing about going to my friend's houses, because I loved to spend time away from home, but at times I hated the fact that their fathers were good decent men.  If the father figure at my home was cruel, vulgar, hurtful, abusive...I should see it another house as well.  I didn't see it at all...even to this very day, I have never met anyone that had a father figure like the one I had.


I knew after I moved away from home and started on my life journey...I could never go back home.  I would be able to visit and spend time with my loving aunt (a true mother figure).  But every time I would go back there to visit, he would be there and all I wanted to do, is return to him what he had done to me for years.  But my sons were with me each time I would visit, and I would not do or say anything to tarnish my sons' view of their father.  I carry that title with pride and honor because I earned that title and nobody is going to take it away from me!


I do not see my self being like one of the great TV fathers that we all grew up watching over the past 40 years.  But we must remember, even those TV fathers were not real, it was all a script to portray the image. However, we were still able to learn things from those TV fathers.  To a certain degree, I had to take different pieces of those TV fathers to help me determine the right things to do, because I sure the heck was not going to ask my uncle for advice.


I really wonder at times, if my life would have been any different if I would have had the chance to know who is or was my father.  I have tried for many years to find out from older family members who my mother was dating or was with around Dec 1966.  I would come close at times, and even had to track down some of my mother's old friends that were around her during that period of time.  It really became a mission for me for a few years, but each direction I would attempt would either be blocked or I was told that they had no clue.  For me, as much as people say that they really loved my mother and respected her, it seems like they would want her baby boy to be happy.  But that is not the case at all, and at times it really does hurt to know that nobody wants me to know.  Especially my mother's older sisters and brother that are still alive today.


Have I given up on the quest to find out about my father...yes to a certain degree, because I don't want the quest to consume me.  However, I am human and the questions that I have about this mystery man is still in the back of my mind.  Especially during those abusive nights of slaps, punches and cussing thrown at me, I would hope and pray that my father would arrive and take me away to safety. But that was all a dream to me because the reality of my life is the fact that I will never know my father, I will never know what my true last name should have been.  There is another side of my blood line on the planet that I would love to know, but I will never know.  I don't have illusions that my father is some rich person that will shower me with guilt money for not being there, because that is not what I want.  There is one and only one thing that I want the most in the world above everything else...to know and experience the feeling of being hugged lovingly by my father.


For those of you out there that still have your father living or at least you know your father, count your blessing, because you more than likely have something that I will never have.  Even if your experience with your father was hard and something you don't want to remember, you still have one thing I don't.


From one father to all other fathers...love your children and give them hugs of love every chance you can. Because there is no greater title earned than being a "FATHER".


For all of you "biological sperm donors", you helped create the life, now become a man and take care of your child.  There is no greater feeling than hugging your child and being there for your child.

Are you family or a relative...

Are you family or a relative?  Not necessarily to me, but to anyone in your life?  Do you know the meaning of family and relative?  When you talk about people that you have a common blood bond with them, are they a family member or just a relative.

To give you a chance to know the difference, take a look at what a dictionary has to say about both words.  Family - a social unit living together.  Relative - a person related by blood or marriage.  Most people would say that they are a the same thing and describes the same people...but I have news for you...they are different.

Let's start with family...who do I consider to be my family?  Those that I share a direct blood link with, therefore, that is my children and their mother, my brothers and sisters. (Of course my own mother, and my father if I knew who he was!)  You might say, "no duh Michael", however you would be amazed how many people say their family is much larger, when it really is not.  Now my relatives would be anyone that still shares a blood relationship but not directly with me, so that would consist of aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews.  Now this is where it gets a little tricky because if you are married, then you do have other family members due to marriage, however they are really just relatives because of a marriage.

Now that you see my understanding of who is what to me, lets talk about the level of loyalty, love and respect.  Because to me, each group has a different level with me and that means that they can expect a certain amount of attention, respect, loyalty from me, but my love is the same for them all.

Family....they are the primary focus in my life and they can always know that I will be there in some form or fashion.  My children and their mother are the first level of attention because as a father I must make sure that they are taken care of to the best of my ability.  If they have a need (not a want), then I do what I have to do to take care of their need.  Their "wants" are their problem, not mine!  I have my own "wants" that need to be satisfied. The next level of my family is my brothers and sisters.  Especially my sisters, because my sisters are very precious to me.  My brothers are just as important however, they are older than me, so I look up to them for advice and guidance.  At the same time I have to protect my family from those that want to hurt my family.  That even means, at times, protect my family from other family members that like to start trouble.  We all have them and you know it, just think of those family members that you know are going to get a little "juice" in them and just start talking trash or acting crazy.  It is so easy to have problems with family members, because you don't expect a family member to betray, ignore or disown a family member.  BUT IT DOES HAPPEN, and I have seen it personally.  But that is another story!

Relative...this is easy to sum up, because all relatives are part of someone else's family.  Just because you are a relative, that does not mean you are going to get along or even like each other at times.  For me, I have a lot of relatives all over the country by blood and by marriage.  Although in the recent years, it seems like a specific side of my relatives have the ability to forget that we are even alive.  I must admit, I don't know why we don't spend time with each other anymore, but I have heard rumors.  Some of the rumors are due to a change of views, and others based on racism.  Which one is true, I do not know, and right now, I really don't care.  The rest of my relatives on my side of the family are living their lives and loving life to the best of their ability.  We may not speak to each other that often but I hope and pray that they know that I love them all.

Now there is another group of people that I did not talk about because they are not blood but I see them as family because they are so important to me.  I have one friend that I call a sister because she and I can talk about anything at anytime and see eye to eye on the issue.  We can let our defenses down and just speak like friends should.  I have a few male friends that I call brothers because we seem like brothers to each other at times.  Of course I have a very select group that is extremely close to me and all I can say is that I love each one in their own special way.  I don't have to mention any names because each of these people know exactly how much I love them individually.

I guess what I am trying to say is that over time some relatives might make you rather upset with things said or down, but each relative is part of a family.  Never burn your bridges with your relatives, because there may come a time when your family will need the help of relatives to take care of problems.  No matter what is said or done, there is NEVER a reason to be mean, cruel, rude, ignore, disown a family member or relative because we all will need each other at some other point in time.

Those of you reading this that might be in my family or one of my relatives, remember, I love you...no matter how long it takes for us to talk or spend time together again.  You are all in my heart because I love my family and my relatives.

If you are one of those people that is outside of my family or relatives and like to cause problems, do yourself a favor and just keep it to yourself.  Just like any family, we have our own problems and don't need your hate and bad attitudes causing problems.  To put it simple, don't bring your bullshit to my door step because I don't need it and you may not like my response to the crap you cause.

The world of lies...

We all know that "the truth shall set you free" but free from what?  Free from the worry of being caught?  Free from the stress and strain of maintaining that lie?  Free from dealing with the lie because you just saved yourself some trouble and time?

I know the original statement is from the Bible and of course the Bible is full of wonderful lessons to learn and to live your life accordingly. But how can a person live your life in a world of lies?  No matter where you turn to or go to, there are lies all around you.  Whatever city you currently live in, there is several lies always being told.  I am not talking about a major city; it can also be in a small town or even a small community of people.  There is always something that people just don't want to talk about, so they lie to themselves and each other about things.

Let's take for examples, one big lie that every minor to major city has...homeless people.  We all know that they are there, because we all see them throughout the day.  We may glance at them as they walk by or push a shopping cart by.  But no sooner than they are out of our sight, we go right back to telling the lie that everything is fine.  We lie to ourselves and usually say "well at least I don't have it that bad" and then quickly put the image and thought of the homeless out of our minds.  Please don't lie to yourself and say that you have never thought these things.  Some people of course just ignore the sight of homeless because they can't comprehend the concept of being homeless.  So again, we lie to ourselves and pray that the nightly news does not bring this tragic sight into our homes as we sit down to eat or sleep.

Have you ever been in a situation where you thought "yes, I am doing the right thing" just because you do not want to deal with a situation?  Now if you say no, then you are a liar.  Everyone has had some uncomfortable, tough or life changing situation be presented to them and you choose to take the easy route.  You made the choice that you made because you thought it was the right thing to do because you would get less grief and less discomfort.  Then to support your choice you told yourself "it's the right thing to do".  As soon as you put that statement into your mind, you protected yourself from feeling bad about the choice for a short period of time.  I say a short period of time, because every choice has an action and reaction associated with it.  The reaction may take years to come around, but in time you will have to deal with your choice.

It seems like when you "do the right thing", you are really telling a lie to yourself and being untrue to yourself.  How many lies do we force into our everyday life?  Just because it is the "right thing to do" does that make it the truth to how you feel?  I can only answer for myself, but I would have to say no.  If you are doing something just because it is the right thing to do yet, you did not really want to do it, then why do it at all.  Does it matter to you so much what other people will have to say about you that you will do it and add another lie onto your life?

Even in relationships between friends, lovers and partners, there are so many lies placed in the relationship; it is amazing that people can accomplish anything together.  Have you told your significant other something to make them happy even though it is not the truth or how you truly feel?  Did you say it, because you don't want the drama or tension, or did you say it to prevent hurt feelings?  Even though it seems like you did the right thing for the other person, what damage did you just do to yourself.  I have heard people say, "To thy own self be true".  But if being true to you means hurting someone else, most people will just go along with the lie for days, months and many years.

How often do you find yourself telling a loved one a lie just to spare their feelings?  If you truly love this person, and they love you in return, why can't you be honest and tell the absolute truth?  Isn't it better to deal with the truth because the truth helps with growth, whereas a lie causes you and the person you lie to, to just be stuck.  The more stuck you feel it seems the faster you miss out on the pleasures of life.

I always thought that as long as you have the "lines of communication" open, people can talk about their situations and be completely truthful, since truth should set you free.  But I think we all lie to ourselves so much that when we do have a truthful moment or situation, it just feels wrong to be truthful.  I know I would prefer the truth instead of someone doing or telling me something because it was the "right thing to do".  I can learn from the truth, even if my feelings would be hurt, I can still grow and try to make changes.

If you are reading this, I would like you to do one thing for one day...try to remember everything you do tomorrow and then at the end of the day, write down or type something up to say if each event in the day was the truth or a lie to you.  You don't have to share the results; I just want you to see it for yourself.  Since it is something that only you will see, be absolutely truthful with yourself and determine if you did the truth or did a lie.  When you are done with it, see if you are one of the three:  human, saint or liar.  

(Human, makes mistakes; saint, makes no mistakes; liar, makes mistakes and then lies to seem like a saint)

I hope your results showed that you are human, otherwise, if you are a saint, then you better get to a church and have a statute made of you soon before you wake up from your dream.  If you are a liar, more than likely you are because you just lied again when you couldn't admit to yourself that you are human.

What's the moral to this story, nothing, because if I gave you a moral it would be a lie. Just figure out what you want to take from this and try to tell one less lie to yourself per day.  After about 15 years, you might make up for the lies you have told yourself up to this point in time.

When it's over...

I have a friend that was just told by his doctor that he has come down with a disease that can not be cured by modern medicine.  The doctors can make the remainder of his like somewhat painless, but there are several things that he will have to give up:

• The ability to drive - because the medicine will keep him in a total fog most of the time to relieve him from the pain.
• The ability to travel - because he will need to be close to home so that he can continuously go back to the doctor to refill his prescription.
• The ability to be intimate - because the combination of the disease and medicine will lower his blood pressure to the point that he is unable to gain arousal.
• The ability to feel warmth - because the medicine will hinder the nervous system from feeling most stimulus.

In a nutshell, it will be as though he is in a prison cell because the true liberties of life have been restricted.

Within the remaining months that he has, there are several things that he would like to do, but with limited options what would be the best thing to do?  Should he make out a list of loved ones that he would like to see once again and then share that list with his loved ones?  Should he ignore the advice of the doctor and have someone else assist him on his journeys to visit his loved ones?

Knowing how much he loved everyone in his life, his decision was to keep it to himself about everything that is going on with his life.  Because of that decision he is trying to figure out what will be the end results upon his death.  Will his loved ones feel even more pain because he knew of his situation yet did not tell anyone?

Is it wrong to keep something this serious to yourself and not share with loved ones?  I believe that it is very wrong to hold the truth of your own mortality from those that you have shared your life with.  Although some people find it rather easy to hide this kind of information from people, it seems to heartless to do this.

Have you ever wondered who would show up to your funeral, where it would be held and what people had to say about you?  I know some people will say that once you are dead, it doesn't matter what people have to say or think about you because you are not there to hear it. Will there be family members that talk about a few of those really funny moments they had with you in the past?  For those left behind, did you leave enough money, guidance, advice and love to take care of your loved ones? Why did I say Love????  Yes I believe it is possible to love those in your life so much that your love is felt even after you are gone.

If you were my friend and all of the above was what you told me, would you really expect me to hold your secret from your family and loved ones?  Should I break the silence and gather those that love you so that they can have the pleasure of being with you one last time?

When it's over...we will all be alone in our graves until kingdom comes, so while you are here, please call your friends, family and other important people to tell them how you feel.  

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, please do not put off to tomorrow the things you need to say and do today.  Those that you love can and will be taken from you day by day, year by year.  Please make each day/month/year be worth your life, because there is a chance that tomorrow will come...yet you will be no more.  Live life to its fullest and enjoy the pleasures of life while you live through the pains of life as well.

Everything above is just hypothetical, I do not have a friend that is about to die...nor is it me that I am talking about.  I needed to put myself and my reader in the right frame of mind to think about the issue. When in doubt about the subjects I talk about, please refer back to the text under the main title of this blog..."take it at face value".

Days of Confusion...

I seem to have lost my "Guidelines to Life" book, and I was wondering if anyone can let me borrow theirs? I say this because for some reason I seem to be lost at the moment.  I have so many things on my mind that it seems to cause confusion lately.

Oh yes, I do the same things that most people do to have the "temporary amnesia" for things that are going on.  I have a few drinks with friends, watch a game on the television, go to a movie or kick back and watch a movie at home.  But just like a chronic illness, the confusion returns and seems to be a little stronger than before.  Is there a pill or a shot that I can get to help?  I know many people, who know me the best, would say that I should look towards the Bible and put my faith in the Lord to guide me along the way.  Now I am not going against the teachings of the church that I was raised on, but there are times when waiting for a problem to work it's way out, or putting in the hands of the Lord is not the answer.  At least that is what one of my doctors have told me a few weeks ago.  Yes, I do mean a psychiatrist, because there are other issues that I needed to get help with.  Long ago I was one of those people that would say "a psychiatrist is just going to blame my issues on my lack of a relationship with my mother..." blah blah blah!  I must say, the doctor gave me a different way to look at things; however the "textbook" answer is not what I am looking for or need.

I consider myself to be an intelligent person and very mature, but it seems like the problems get harder to resolve the older I become.  No longer can I use the excuses that we all used when we were kids/teenagers.  Although I must admit some of the excuses that were available to the young were really good!  I bet if you took a moment and thought of some of the excuses you used in the past, you would get a laugh from them now.   Go ahead, take a few minutes and regress into your memories for excuses used....I will wait until you get back.

See, I told you that you would get a laugh from a few of them.  Although some of them were pretty out there even for back in the day.

I find myself wondering if I am making the right decisions for my own life, for my own happiness.  I have never been the type of person that is greatly impacted by the things that other people think I should do.  I have always done the things that I wanted to do...with the exception of recently in my life.  There are decisions that I should make because it would be the right thing to do for me, but I am always concerned with those loved ones around me and how my decisions will play out for their lives.

I am fortunate that my sons are not very young anymore because that gives me a lot more options to consider for the future direction of my life.  I will always do the right thing for my sons, at least to the best of my ability. There are things that they must learn and experience while they are young so they can "live" instead of just having a "life”.  Some may think that "live" and "life" are the same, but they are not.  I know people that have "life" but they are not "living".  To me, you must experience the good and bad of "life" in order to say that you have "lived".  If you never take chances or do those things that you truly want to do in "life" then you will have regrets throughout your "life" until you "live" no longer.

I guess that is my confusion at this time...am I "living" or just going on with "life".  If I look at my life from the outside looking in, then I would have to say that I have a "semi-live" existence at this time, because I am not "living" as I desire.  Although I have to be careful with saying "desire" as well because you can desire a lot and only receive what you need in life to live.  Are there things that I desire at this time....well of course there is because I am still alive.  Are my desires reasonable...that as they say is "in the eye of the beholder", because to some, they would say my desires are reasonable, and others would tell me to just give up and go with the flow.  Play the cards that life has dealt to me and make the best of living.

There are so many things that I know I should do for my own happiness, but that is where my problems come up because there are other people that I must consider in the equation.  Even if I give various weights to the various levels of desires that I have, there seems to always be something or someone there to say that I must wait for the right time or for the right conditions.  At times I have the patience of Job, but that comes at a cost, and to me that cost is...my happiness with "living" my "life".

The way I see it, if a person's desires were easy to achieve, then they would not be desires, because to me, a desire is always harder to achieve than a "want".  Just because you want something, it doesn't mean that you desire the same thing all the time.  I believe at times, if you have a deep desire for something reasonable and you cannot achieve that desire, then you take the chance of losing your drive and desire for something that will truly make you unhappy.

Oh well, I guess there is no easy solution to any of my thoughts above, but at least I was able to talk about the overall issue of desire. Who knows, maybe, just maybe...I will figure out a way to "live" "life" and achieve all that the heart desires.