Yet another night of hard dreams in which my life was the subject of the dreams. I get the feeling that my subconscious is trying to tell me something about my life. I really wish there was a guide to understanding the odd images and situations that I experience in my dreams from time to time. Is my mind telling me what I should do to be happy, or is it telling me of things to come? I see the faces of family members and friends, strangers and monsters, known and unknown locations.
For example, last night I had a dream in which I felt totally alone but I was surrounded by many people. As I would look around, I did not recognize any of the faces, because each face was just a blur. Now I am not the type of person that feels nervous in a crowd of people that I do not know...I have no problem meeting new people and starting a conversation to past the time. But in this dream, everyone that I would try to talk with, would just stop for a moment, attempt to talk with me, but then disappear before I had the chance to speak. At first I didn't think anything about the situation, and figured these people were just being nice but also in a rush to get on with their own needs. As I continued to walk around to find a familiar face in the crowd, I was see glimpses of people I knew in the crowd. As I change direction to head to those faces, I would never get close to them and those faces would disappear from the crowd.
Thinking about that dream now, I believe it is the on-going issue that I have had for many years now in which I feel that I do not have anyone around me in which I can talk to about things troubling me. I know I have a lot of loving family members and dear friends. But I feel that nobody has the time to let me vent and then be understanding of what I feel and give me advice...constructive advice! I am not saying that I am better than any of the people in my life, but I just don't think anyone else can relate to my situations and be able to advise me.
Another type of dream that I have a lot is more like a romance novel that has turned into a comedy. Get your minds out of the gutter, I did not say "wet dreams"...but that would at least be something different! In my love based dreams, I find myself at home and preparing for a night of romance, but the person of my affection never arrives. I get knocks at the door and rush to open the door only to find that nobody is there. Each time I rush to the door, my heart fills with love and desire to hold my love, and I daydream in the dream of things that will take place, only to disappointed as soon as I open the door. Time after time, I rush to the door and get my hopes up, only to have my hopes thrown away. But I continue to open the door in the hopes that someone will walk through that door and pass the time with me.
Thinking about that dream now, I know that I am not happy with the situation of my love life, because there is more than can be done, but love is a two way street. I can go down that road but I need the other person to drive the road also. But the road has many potholes, a major road bump and too many yield signs. With each obstacle, my love life seems to get detoured and has yet to get back on the same road with me. There is a frontage road my love life is on and it is driving in the same direction, but there is a still a lot of "curbs" in the way. As with every journey, there comes a time when you have to pull over and get more gas, but when the journey seems to be too long and you are not going to arrive at the same destination, getting more gas seems pointless. Do you continue on the same road or do you find a new road and try the journey with someone on the same road? Taking a new road is rather hard when the person you are on the road with is extremely important in your life.
The final dream always deals with terrible situations that seem to land me in the hospital. I have several dreams of me laying in hospital beds from various accidents and situations. Each dream is a different situation and I always recover, but the pain and heartache is experienced over and over again. The most recent dream involved me laying in a hospital bed in which there are tubes, wires, beeping machines and other medical items around me. I look around the room to see if there is anyone or anything I recognize, but there is nothing and nobody in the room with me. I lay there and listen to the machines beep and try to take inventory of my body. I can see, so I know my eyes and brain are ok...I can hear the sounds so I know my eyes are ok...I can move my arms so I know my upper body is ok. I try to move my legs and that is where I start to notice a difference immediately. I reach for the buttons on the bed to lift me up so that I can view my legs. I view my legs and I feel my legs, yet I can not move my legs. I start to cry for a nurse to come in to the room so that I can find out what is going on. After a few moments, someone dressed as a nurse arrives and proceeds in telling me what landed me in the hospital this time. The nurse explains that since I don't use my legs to walk away from situations that put my needs as a "no-priority" my legs consider me as a "no-priority" and decided to shutdown for the final time in my life.
Yes I know what this dream is saying, that I need to move on with my life and not be stuck in the mud of life. I have the ability to move on and not let life get me down, but there are so many little situations that pile up to become a large overall situation. Since I am a Libra, I hate to walk away from a unbalanced situation. I have always tried to reach a balanced state in my life, but lately, everything is unbalanced and it is taking its toll on me emotionally and physically. But that is my nature, I don't give up until I see that there is absolutely no chance of achieving balance. It is very rare that I quit or give up on things/people that are in my life. To date, there is only one person I ever gave up on, and only one situation that I decided to quit. Everything else reached a balance over time, but the question is...
In reaching balance, how much did the new balance, unbalance me from being happy with my own life? I think the answer is being worked out in my dreams, and my mind is telling me the answer, but that answer is not what my heart wants to do.
Now where did I put that instruction manual...."How to live a life and be happy with the life you live". Oh wait, that's right, there is no instruction manual to life.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Time....change...
I think the Brady Bunch said it the best "when it's time to change, you've got to rearrange, who you are into what you're going to be". Yes I know it is very corny, but the statement is very true if you really stop to think about it. But as always, "it's easier said than done".
If you are able to list 3 things that you don't like about yourself and try to work on each thing, what is the priority that you would used to organize what you want to start with. Do you start with money, health, love, intelligence, hobbies, sleeping or even those that you have around you? Which one is the most important thing in your life...because the priorities in your life changes from week to week, year to year.
Let's say I start with health. That would be easy and hard because I LOVE GREAT TASTING FOOD and that does not help me with my weight, blood pressure, hypertension or staying out of the kitchen when I am stressing over something. I would love to sit down with a fork and a cheesecake from The Chessecake Factory and just completely nuts. Bite by bite giving me the emotional equal to an orgasm. Yes you read that correctly, I said the O word because that is exactly how I feel about cheesecake.
Ok, so if I can't start with health, do I start with intelligence? I know some people what already call me smart, but the only problem with that is...they like to add the word "ass" on to the end of smart. I may not have the same book smarts that people have from major college courses, but I do have great street smarts. I have an opinion on most issues that people present to me, or at least I have heard of the issue previously. Yeah I know, I am in college right now and learning a lot of things I never knew previously...but it is all geek related with computers, networks, switches, routers, servers, operating systems, databases, programming languages....ugh and the list keeps going from there! I watch the news for about a day, and then get tired of all the news and bury my head into other non-news channels. I know I have intelligence...but I don't want to be so smart that I forget how to tie...um, you know, those things you put on your feet...oh yeah, shoes. I have read about some people that get so smart that reality doesn't make sense any longer.
Hmm, since I am ok with my intelligence and my health, then I guess I would have to start with love. That is an easy one to deal with. I know what I like and I know who I like, too bad the same feelings of love are no longer there. So it is still easy, because I can just become a heartless bastard that pushes everyone away so that I don't have to be hurt by someone that just doesn't care. Well, I have to clarify that, it's not that they don't care, they do care, but about their own cares. So again it is still easy to deal with because I can just become the same type of person and get what I want however I have to get it! Who cares if the other person is not happy with the situation, who cares if no clear answers were given to the tons of questions about what changed.
I am not even going to think about the other items because it gets to the point that you realize that there is too many things to change in your life....well that is if you have a pathetic life like me. I am still a nice guy and like to spend time with people, but it just seems like I am spending time, wishing for change, instead of spending time, making things change.
If you are able to list 3 things that you don't like about yourself and try to work on each thing, what is the priority that you would used to organize what you want to start with. Do you start with money, health, love, intelligence, hobbies, sleeping or even those that you have around you? Which one is the most important thing in your life...because the priorities in your life changes from week to week, year to year.
Let's say I start with health. That would be easy and hard because I LOVE GREAT TASTING FOOD and that does not help me with my weight, blood pressure, hypertension or staying out of the kitchen when I am stressing over something. I would love to sit down with a fork and a cheesecake from The Chessecake Factory and just completely nuts. Bite by bite giving me the emotional equal to an orgasm. Yes you read that correctly, I said the O word because that is exactly how I feel about cheesecake.
Ok, so if I can't start with health, do I start with intelligence? I know some people what already call me smart, but the only problem with that is...they like to add the word "ass" on to the end of smart. I may not have the same book smarts that people have from major college courses, but I do have great street smarts. I have an opinion on most issues that people present to me, or at least I have heard of the issue previously. Yeah I know, I am in college right now and learning a lot of things I never knew previously...but it is all geek related with computers, networks, switches, routers, servers, operating systems, databases, programming languages....ugh and the list keeps going from there! I watch the news for about a day, and then get tired of all the news and bury my head into other non-news channels. I know I have intelligence...but I don't want to be so smart that I forget how to tie...um, you know, those things you put on your feet...oh yeah, shoes. I have read about some people that get so smart that reality doesn't make sense any longer.
Hmm, since I am ok with my intelligence and my health, then I guess I would have to start with love. That is an easy one to deal with. I know what I like and I know who I like, too bad the same feelings of love are no longer there. So it is still easy, because I can just become a heartless bastard that pushes everyone away so that I don't have to be hurt by someone that just doesn't care. Well, I have to clarify that, it's not that they don't care, they do care, but about their own cares. So again it is still easy to deal with because I can just become the same type of person and get what I want however I have to get it! Who cares if the other person is not happy with the situation, who cares if no clear answers were given to the tons of questions about what changed.
I am not even going to think about the other items because it gets to the point that you realize that there is too many things to change in your life....well that is if you have a pathetic life like me. I am still a nice guy and like to spend time with people, but it just seems like I am spending time, wishing for change, instead of spending time, making things change.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)