Let me first say that when I say passion, I do not mean the love for a specific person in my life. So whoever reads this, I am not talking about the person I love with all my heart. I am talking about the passion that helps me get out of bed each morning. The passion that helps me stay focused on the road ahead of me.
I do not remember where I heard this next statement but it seems fitting for this moment. "It is not the destination that is important in life, but the journey." When I first heard this statement, I thought it was the most profound statement I have ever heard in my life. I sat and thought about that statement for the longest time. I found no fault in the statement and began to really look back on my life. There are so many moments in my life that are special, sad, happy, boring, exciting, encouraging, tragic, and heart-breaking. But each moment is part of me and makes me who I am. In the words of Captain Kirk, "I need my pain, my pain is who I am." Everything that we do in our life is what makes us who we are as a person.
I will be the first to admit that I did not have an easy life. There was plenty of drama, pain, and hurt in my life. So far, I have yet to meet a person in my life that can match what I have been through when I was younger. (To understand what I mean hear you should read my other blog.) There are some real horrors in my past that I know would have killed a lesser man. I know there are things in my past that would lead to the untimely death of some men.
For many years I took pride in the fact that I took the punches, kicks and immoral statements that were sent my direction and kept getting back up to continue the journey. As the journey reached a fork in the road I would look at the options and attempt to choose wisely. Plenty of times I made the right choice but there are times when I made the wrong choice and paid dearly for that choice.
I kept going...I only looked back to reflect on decisions made to help guide my future decisions. I did not sit and get weighed down by my decisions. I vowed to live a life without regrets to the best of my abilities. I want to go to my grave saying, "I lived and do not regret living they way I lived". I want the same things that many other people want in life, however I am not going to regret not having all that I want, because so far I have all that I need. I may want to travel the world, but I don't need to do it. I may want to be rich, but I don't need to be. I can want many things, but when it comes down to it, I only get what I need.
This is where I am at for now with my passion. I want to gain back the passion that I once had, but the need is not there at the moment. I realized just this week that I lost my passion when I just could not bring myself to do any schoolwork. I got it done today, only because I knew that I had to do it on time. My heart and mind was not in it at all, but for some reason I did it and it was right. Yes I should feel good about that, but I just don't care.
So what happened? I don't know! I could blame it on the fact that I attended two funerals within 10 days. Funerals have always made me feel very odd for a period of time. Not because I reflect on my life or what I have lost due to the death of friends, family or loved ones. The amount of emotional energy needed to go through a funeral for me, drains my life force. I become physically tired and start to show signs of stress although I really did not do anything. I think for me, I re-live the funerals of all my loved ones at each funeral. The emotions build in my chest and heart to the point where I just ache.
I was over the funerals by Tuesday of this week, but something was wrong. What?...I have no clue, if I knew I wouldn't be typing this! All I know is that my passion has been replaced with depression. I find myself not sending responses to text messages from friends who want to know how I am doing. I don't mean to be that way, I just don't feeling like talking to someone else at the moment. I still have the same love for all of my friends in my heart, but my heart is just not in it right now to talk. Yes this blog posting is a form of communication but it is just me getting things out of my head. Will it open me up to get past my depression? Only time will tell at this point in my journey.
The journey is not at an end, at least not by my hands, I just decided to pull over and let the engine cool down.
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