Regrets Part 2...

It has been a little over three years since the last time I mentioned regrets, and recently I have realized that a few regrets have creeped into my life and they are very hard to remove and get over. To be fair to the people involved in my life I will not mention the names of the people. Rest assure that your places in my mind and in my heart are still on solid ground. These regrets are something that I must deal with because they are my own issues.

Regrets are like warm piles of "land mines", as much as you try to avoid them at some point you will step right into one and have one heck of a time scraping it off your shoe. I know in time I will get rid of the regrets, but one of my regrets is of a very personal nature. I allowed myself to be blinded by desire and stepped so deep in the regret that it has become a hard crust that can not be cleaned away with a simple cleaning. 

I will admit that this one regret has haunted me for several years and has been part of several of my weekly/monthly problematic reoccurring dreams. Different situations are presented in the dreams but the end result is still the same when I awake. The dreams seem to taunt and tease me of what could have been instead of what should have been done. Like I said before, I was blinded by desire and that desire is still a major factor in everything that I do today. 

There are times when I think, "ok, I have to change for this person, maybe that will resolve the issue".  WRONG, because I don't change for anyone, I am happy with myself and if a person cannot accept me for who I am, then they won't be in my life at all. I do accept constructive criticism, because I do value the opinion of others. I am the final judge in what changes I will make to my life. If you don't believe me, then try me, I can promise you that you will not like the end result. When I get the smallest hint that things are not what them seem and a person has played me for a fool, I end it and move forward. I don't get even, I just forget that you even exist, but if you really push me, that is when the bad side of me comes to the surface and I will teach you the meaning of regret.

People always ask me, if I would do this or that again in my life. My typical answer is always, been there, done that, won't go back. I really mean it too, because I have been asked by several people, "why don't you get remarried"? NOPE, was married, it didn't work out right, don't need to do it again. But that is me, that is who I am. Nothing against my ex at all, we are best friends now and can tell each other anything. When I end relationships, and that person wants to get back together, I nicely say no and keep going forward. No explanation, no excuses, just a plain and simple, no because I allow people in once. After that once and we move apart, I don't look back and I don't go back. Why go backwards, it is hard enough just going forward most days, why backtrack and have to go over the same damn steps twice.

I will admit one thing, this long lasting regret is worth fighting for in my honest opinion, I just hope that there is enough time left in my life to enjoy things when the regret is removed. If not, then I just will have to move on with a broken heart and block everyone from getting close to my heart for my remaining days, weeks, months, years.

The next chapter...

As I look over my blog posts and the dates that I posted them in the past, I see that it has been nearly two years since I put my thoughts to paper (well, electronic paper).  As I read through a few of them, there were some dark periods in my life that were coming to the surface again.  If those postings were from a friend and I read them, I would know that there is something wrong and I needed to reach out to that friend and try to help. The sad thing, nobody picked up on the clues and nobody stepped up to find out what was going wrong.  But that is ok.

As you can see, I have made it through the dark ages and I am close to starting the next chapter of my life.  Now the question for all those in my life...will I write your name in the next chapter or will you be a footnote, a reference, or written out of the next chapter? 

(I will let you pause for a moment to think about your role in the book of "This is Michael's Life".)

Ok, chapter one had several villains, a few special relationships, and set the foundation of what is possible in my life. To save time, I am not going to talk about the villains, quite frankly they are not worth my time or energy. You each know who you are and what you did to me and my life.  I don't wish any harm on any villain, but you will reap what you sow. One villain is already dead and gone and I pray that God will have mercy on your soul, because I sure the hell don't forgive you for the things that you did to me for years.  I do forgive myself for hiding the truth and living a lie that made me doubt my ability to be a loving father with my own sons.  I wasn't the father of the year, but my sons knew that I would always be there, even if I couldn't be there financially.

The special relationships, each had ups and downs, times of love, times of lust and times of just down right fun. The special ones are that center ring of friends and lovers that made me enjoy life and being with each person in our own special way. As I said in a previous blog about regrets, I try my best to live my life without regrets.  There were a few relationships that top them all and I still think fondly of those moments and time that we shared. There is one friend in particular that has always been the best friend ever and I still think I am not worthy to have him as a friend.  No matter how long we go without seeing or talking to each other, it is a total joy to hear his voice and spend time with him when I head to Tulare.

So those that want to be in Chapter two, there is no application or line to stand in, just be yourself.  If you are meant to be in the chapter, you will be there because those that can contribute to the chapter know their roles already.

(Wow, now that I read this over again, I have a disclaimer...this is not a Mid-Life-Crisis thing!)