They say that the different moods that people experience can be associated with different colors. Now I am not talking about those mood rings that many of us remember from the 70's, you remember them, don't even act like you don't. A few of the ones that I remember is red for anger, blue for sadness, green for envy, and yellow for fearful. But the question I have, what is the color for stress?
When I try to think of a color for stress, I come up with nothing at all. But I can't say black because that is reserved for those people that are black hearted. I assume that is for those that are just really evil and harsh. White is to show innocence. So again what it stress?
Now I know it is not purple because I associate that color with religion based on what I have read and seen in the bible. Well I also know that it is the main color for my favorite artist Prince.
I think I have figured it out for myself, it must be transparent. I know transparent is not a color, because it is absent of color, but depending on what caused the stress, that color may shine through. But I don't know if that is a valid statement but it just sounds right.
Right now I am very stressed because I can't stand the way my life is going. I am doing great in school but when it comes to the teams I am on for school, major problems creep up and pushes me back. Out of five classes so far, only 1 team was successful from beginning to end. The other teams would fall apart near the end and I would find myself having to finish a lot on my own. At least this time we are only losing one member, but he was the leader. Now I have to jump in and bring the team to the finish line. BOOM STRESS!
The other major issue with my stress level is the fact that my self-confidence is being tested on a daily basis as I continue the search for another job. There comes a time when people like to give up, but I try my best to stay in the game but my ability to stand fast is being chipped away. As my confidence goes away bit by bit, I start to doubt everything about me. That is a dangerous road to travel, but that is where I am right now. I just hope that I can change things soon before I really sink back to the level I was in 4 years ago at this time.
For those that remember that time period, you know what to expect, I just hope I make it through that level as quickly as I can. Otherwise, the person you all know will not be the same anymore.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Where is my passion...
Let me first say that when I say passion, I do not mean the love for a specific person in my life. So whoever reads this, I am not talking about the person I love with all my heart. I am talking about the passion that helps me get out of bed each morning. The passion that helps me stay focused on the road ahead of me.
I do not remember where I heard this next statement but it seems fitting for this moment. "It is not the destination that is important in life, but the journey." When I first heard this statement, I thought it was the most profound statement I have ever heard in my life. I sat and thought about that statement for the longest time. I found no fault in the statement and began to really look back on my life. There are so many moments in my life that are special, sad, happy, boring, exciting, encouraging, tragic, and heart-breaking. But each moment is part of me and makes me who I am. In the words of Captain Kirk, "I need my pain, my pain is who I am." Everything that we do in our life is what makes us who we are as a person.
I will be the first to admit that I did not have an easy life. There was plenty of drama, pain, and hurt in my life. So far, I have yet to meet a person in my life that can match what I have been through when I was younger. (To understand what I mean hear you should read my other blog.) There are some real horrors in my past that I know would have killed a lesser man. I know there are things in my past that would lead to the untimely death of some men.
For many years I took pride in the fact that I took the punches, kicks and immoral statements that were sent my direction and kept getting back up to continue the journey. As the journey reached a fork in the road I would look at the options and attempt to choose wisely. Plenty of times I made the right choice but there are times when I made the wrong choice and paid dearly for that choice.
I kept going...I only looked back to reflect on decisions made to help guide my future decisions. I did not sit and get weighed down by my decisions. I vowed to live a life without regrets to the best of my abilities. I want to go to my grave saying, "I lived and do not regret living they way I lived". I want the same things that many other people want in life, however I am not going to regret not having all that I want, because so far I have all that I need. I may want to travel the world, but I don't need to do it. I may want to be rich, but I don't need to be. I can want many things, but when it comes down to it, I only get what I need.
This is where I am at for now with my passion. I want to gain back the passion that I once had, but the need is not there at the moment. I realized just this week that I lost my passion when I just could not bring myself to do any schoolwork. I got it done today, only because I knew that I had to do it on time. My heart and mind was not in it at all, but for some reason I did it and it was right. Yes I should feel good about that, but I just don't care.
So what happened? I don't know! I could blame it on the fact that I attended two funerals within 10 days. Funerals have always made me feel very odd for a period of time. Not because I reflect on my life or what I have lost due to the death of friends, family or loved ones. The amount of emotional energy needed to go through a funeral for me, drains my life force. I become physically tired and start to show signs of stress although I really did not do anything. I think for me, I re-live the funerals of all my loved ones at each funeral. The emotions build in my chest and heart to the point where I just ache.
I was over the funerals by Tuesday of this week, but something was wrong. What?...I have no clue, if I knew I wouldn't be typing this! All I know is that my passion has been replaced with depression. I find myself not sending responses to text messages from friends who want to know how I am doing. I don't mean to be that way, I just don't feeling like talking to someone else at the moment. I still have the same love for all of my friends in my heart, but my heart is just not in it right now to talk. Yes this blog posting is a form of communication but it is just me getting things out of my head. Will it open me up to get past my depression? Only time will tell at this point in my journey.
The journey is not at an end, at least not by my hands, I just decided to pull over and let the engine cool down.
I do not remember where I heard this next statement but it seems fitting for this moment. "It is not the destination that is important in life, but the journey." When I first heard this statement, I thought it was the most profound statement I have ever heard in my life. I sat and thought about that statement for the longest time. I found no fault in the statement and began to really look back on my life. There are so many moments in my life that are special, sad, happy, boring, exciting, encouraging, tragic, and heart-breaking. But each moment is part of me and makes me who I am. In the words of Captain Kirk, "I need my pain, my pain is who I am." Everything that we do in our life is what makes us who we are as a person.
I will be the first to admit that I did not have an easy life. There was plenty of drama, pain, and hurt in my life. So far, I have yet to meet a person in my life that can match what I have been through when I was younger. (To understand what I mean hear you should read my other blog.) There are some real horrors in my past that I know would have killed a lesser man. I know there are things in my past that would lead to the untimely death of some men.
For many years I took pride in the fact that I took the punches, kicks and immoral statements that were sent my direction and kept getting back up to continue the journey. As the journey reached a fork in the road I would look at the options and attempt to choose wisely. Plenty of times I made the right choice but there are times when I made the wrong choice and paid dearly for that choice.
I kept going...I only looked back to reflect on decisions made to help guide my future decisions. I did not sit and get weighed down by my decisions. I vowed to live a life without regrets to the best of my abilities. I want to go to my grave saying, "I lived and do not regret living they way I lived". I want the same things that many other people want in life, however I am not going to regret not having all that I want, because so far I have all that I need. I may want to travel the world, but I don't need to do it. I may want to be rich, but I don't need to be. I can want many things, but when it comes down to it, I only get what I need.
This is where I am at for now with my passion. I want to gain back the passion that I once had, but the need is not there at the moment. I realized just this week that I lost my passion when I just could not bring myself to do any schoolwork. I got it done today, only because I knew that I had to do it on time. My heart and mind was not in it at all, but for some reason I did it and it was right. Yes I should feel good about that, but I just don't care.
So what happened? I don't know! I could blame it on the fact that I attended two funerals within 10 days. Funerals have always made me feel very odd for a period of time. Not because I reflect on my life or what I have lost due to the death of friends, family or loved ones. The amount of emotional energy needed to go through a funeral for me, drains my life force. I become physically tired and start to show signs of stress although I really did not do anything. I think for me, I re-live the funerals of all my loved ones at each funeral. The emotions build in my chest and heart to the point where I just ache.
I was over the funerals by Tuesday of this week, but something was wrong. What?...I have no clue, if I knew I wouldn't be typing this! All I know is that my passion has been replaced with depression. I find myself not sending responses to text messages from friends who want to know how I am doing. I don't mean to be that way, I just don't feeling like talking to someone else at the moment. I still have the same love for all of my friends in my heart, but my heart is just not in it right now to talk. Yes this blog posting is a form of communication but it is just me getting things out of my head. Will it open me up to get past my depression? Only time will tell at this point in my journey.
The journey is not at an end, at least not by my hands, I just decided to pull over and let the engine cool down.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Time to take inventory...
After spending a few hours with a dear friend today, I realized that I have been gone too long from doing my blog. So, as of now, I am back and it is time for me to take inventory of everything in life. I would say "Spring Cleaning" but Spring has come and gone and it is already getting hot outside.
First item on the list, Friends (and those that think I can them a friend)! Let me put this blunt as can be, if you have ever heard me say "I love you like a brother" then you are in the friend zone. If you have never heard those words and have only talked to me a few times...you are in the "acquaintance" category. That category is HUGE, because you are just not around me enough to consider you a friend.
Now there are some people that are in the friend zone that I have not spoken to in years, hell in decades, but you get to stay in that zone because you do mean something to me. Even though you were only around when we were younger, I still see you as a friend and will always come to your aid when called.
Next item on the list, Drama-magnets (and you know who you are out there)! Let me just say this, "Save the Drama for your Mama, because I ain't got time for no mess"! Now the only people that can still be part of my life and cause drama is my flesh and blood. But the rest of you, "get-ta-stepin". Matter of fact, you can do the "Pat and Turner"..."Pat them feet, and turn them corners" right on away from me. Do it double-time to make it faster.
Next item on the list, personal happiness. Some of you might see me in the coming days, weeks, months and wonder why I just "don't give a damn" anymore. Well the reason why I don't is because my "piggy bank" with all of the "damns" is empty. Too many people approached me during my previous 44 years and asked me to give a "damn" but did not return that "give-a-damn" when I tried to collect it back. There is interest on those "damns" because the longer it takes to pay that "damn" back, it removes 15 other "damns" at the same time. So those few that took those last few "damns", you messed it up for the rest of the people for the next 5 years. In that time, I might get one back and then only give "a half damn" about something, but a full "give a damn" might be ready for use in about 10-20 years. So in the meantime, I can send you 50 cents, so that you can call someone who is willing to "give a damn".
So you have been warned officially, don't let this be a shock to you. Those that know me and have known me the longest, you know you have nothing to worry about because I will be the same with you as always. But if you are one of those on a short list and find problems with the things said above...I have the perfect solution for you..."Pat and Turner"!!!
First item on the list, Friends (and those that think I can them a friend)! Let me put this blunt as can be, if you have ever heard me say "I love you like a brother" then you are in the friend zone. If you have never heard those words and have only talked to me a few times...you are in the "acquaintance" category. That category is HUGE, because you are just not around me enough to consider you a friend.
Now there are some people that are in the friend zone that I have not spoken to in years, hell in decades, but you get to stay in that zone because you do mean something to me. Even though you were only around when we were younger, I still see you as a friend and will always come to your aid when called.
Next item on the list, Drama-magnets (and you know who you are out there)! Let me just say this, "Save the Drama for your Mama, because I ain't got time for no mess"! Now the only people that can still be part of my life and cause drama is my flesh and blood. But the rest of you, "get-ta-stepin". Matter of fact, you can do the "Pat and Turner"..."Pat them feet, and turn them corners" right on away from me. Do it double-time to make it faster.
Next item on the list, personal happiness. Some of you might see me in the coming days, weeks, months and wonder why I just "don't give a damn" anymore. Well the reason why I don't is because my "piggy bank" with all of the "damns" is empty. Too many people approached me during my previous 44 years and asked me to give a "damn" but did not return that "give-a-damn" when I tried to collect it back. There is interest on those "damns" because the longer it takes to pay that "damn" back, it removes 15 other "damns" at the same time. So those few that took those last few "damns", you messed it up for the rest of the people for the next 5 years. In that time, I might get one back and then only give "a half damn" about something, but a full "give a damn" might be ready for use in about 10-20 years. So in the meantime, I can send you 50 cents, so that you can call someone who is willing to "give a damn".
So you have been warned officially, don't let this be a shock to you. Those that know me and have known me the longest, you know you have nothing to worry about because I will be the same with you as always. But if you are one of those on a short list and find problems with the things said above...I have the perfect solution for you..."Pat and Turner"!!!
Monday, February 27, 2012
A song says it all...
It's not that often that a single song can sum up how I feel, but right now, this is the one that does it.
Normally I make the statement "don't read too much into what is said", but this time, read what you want into what is said. If you believe that it pertains to you, then ask yourself...Can you stand the rain? Will you be there for me?
If that question causes you to stop and think, or even get defensive; then you have your answer and don't need to approach me at all with your comments, statements, excuses, attacks or sympathy.
Believe me, you can be in a crowd of millions and still be alone.
On a perfect day I know that I can count on you.
When that's not possible, tell me, can you weather the storm?
'Cause I need somebody who will stand by me.
Through the good times and the bad times
Who will always, always be right there.
Sunny days - everybody loves them.
Tell me, can you stand the rain?
Storms will come, this we know for sure.
Can you stand the rain?
Love unconditional - I'm not asking this of you.
And, to make it last I'll do wherever needs to be done.
But I need somebody who will stand by me.
When it's tough who won't run.
Who will always be right there for me.
Storms will come, I know, I know, all the days won't be perfect.
This we know for sure. But tell me can you stand it?
Can you stand the rain? No pressure, no pressure from me.
'Cause I want you, and I need you, and I love you.
Tell me, can you stand the rain?
Normally I make the statement "don't read too much into what is said", but this time, read what you want into what is said. If you believe that it pertains to you, then ask yourself...Can you stand the rain? Will you be there for me?
If that question causes you to stop and think, or even get defensive; then you have your answer and don't need to approach me at all with your comments, statements, excuses, attacks or sympathy.
Believe me, you can be in a crowd of millions and still be alone.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
A New Beginning...
Finally, I have come back to my blog. The last few months of 2011, I took the time to give total focus to my college education and then celebrate my graduation. It should have happened 25 years ago, but I lost focus back then and never looked back until my life changed in 2009.
With that said, I missed my time with my blog and have decided to get back to blogging again. I have a new blog that I decided to create, and it will be used to talk about my new journey down the Information Technology road.
So when you have the time, stop by in the future and look for my new blog...Tag you're IT!
With that said, I missed my time with my blog and have decided to get back to blogging again. I have a new blog that I decided to create, and it will be used to talk about my new journey down the Information Technology road.
So when you have the time, stop by in the future and look for my new blog...Tag you're IT!
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