Release stress...

Do you have those moments when you feel stressed but you are not sure why you feel that way?  Well for me, I am having one of those moments right now.  Why?  I have no clue.  I am sitting on my best friend's sofa, watching a rerun of "House" on the Bravo channel.  I am not really paying attention to the show, other than when House gives another one of his brutal jerk like comments to other people.  I have the television on for the noise and to keep me awake so that I can make the attempt to type this blog for the night.

When I am stressed, I try my best to distract myself with something else to do or something else to think about for a period of time.  Although lately, those techniques are not working for me any longer. In moments when I am alone, I find my mind quickly going to the "problem of the day".  Only one problem with that...I no longer have any options, on how to solve the problems, because I am so tired of everything.

Now that is another stressful issue, because everyone that knows me, knows that I never get tired of everything, because I try to be diplomatic about all things.  I always tell people that one of my greatest personality traits is the fact that it takes a lot to make me mad, because I have a large amount of patience.  But just like a lake covered in ice in the spring...the ice is getting thinner as the days go by.  Some days I can make it through with no problems, and others I am ready to just snap. The big question who or what is going to be that breaking point?

Some people say that you should write down those things that upset or make you happy so that you can further define what are the causes for each.  To be honest, if I wrote down what makes me upset, then I will be writing for a rather long time.  For example, the "upset" things I can think of right now:  getting older and feeling my health is starting to slip away, drastic reduction of income, a growing distrust in people around me, a complete lack of a sex-life, a dislike in the neighbors living around me, etc.  As for those things that make me happy...right now, I have none of them around me or available to me.  No they are not illegal, so get that out of your mind.  I want a lot of candy, ice cream, sodas...yes all of those things that make you gain weight.

I have never been the type of person that gives a damn what other people might think of me, and I prefer that those people actually approach me and speak the truth to my face.  That way, I have the chance to learn from them what they do not like, and I can quickly determine if I am going to work on changing myself, or just tell that person to go "F..k yourself".  Now that by itself is bad, because I normally would never say something like that to anyone.  But I find myself wanting to cuss people out for doing stupid things, for treating me badly, for not helping me satisfy my own needs.

Am I just getting to the age where I start to reject the ridiculous and only want to deal with facts?  Am I becoming a cold-hearted person based on my life experiences?  Or have I just finally got to that one point with my life where I am tired and looking forward to the time where I can put life on cruise control.  I am tired of the rat race and everything that goes with it, but I am not fooling myself, I know I have to get back into the rat race. But I think it is the rat race that has me ready to self commit myself to a mental hospital just to get some rest from everyone.  (For those immediately around me, if you are reading this, don't over react because I am not in the mood to deal with whatever damn drama you want to give based on this writing.  Remember, this is my own personal writings and I can say whatever I want to say.)

I know there is one major stress that I have right now, and I don't know why, but I don't trust the things people say to me at all.  For once I wish people would just get to the point, tell me the facts and ask me for my opinion without a bunch of bullshit words.  Get to the point already, I don't want to hear everything that leads up to the primary topic/issue.  It would save you and me a lot of time when you talk with me.  There are a few people around me in the last few days that got the chance to experience my "get to the f..king point" mood and I know it was a great shock to them.  I am sorry for that mood, but quite frankly...I am tired of listening to everyone's problems and when it is time for me to have problems, NOBODY GIVES A DAMN ABOUT ME.  How do I know they don't...because they all do the most rude thing in the world...interrupt me while I am trying to talk about what is making me upset.

I get started, then the next thing I know, the person I am talking with either starts to watch TV, type on a computer, change the conversation or try to relate to me by telling me something from their past that has nothing to do with what my issue might be.  When I get those responses when I am looking for help, I start to shut down and become a cold bastard.  Yes I can be cold heartless bastard if I really wanted to because I have it in me to be a total asshole if I really want to be.

Oh well, most people that read this will just say that I whining about things, and maybe I am, but I would love for those people to walk a day in my shoes.  If you don't walk a day in my shoes or don't have the same desires that I have for life, then maybe it is just the right time for you to be honest with me and clear the air.  Because either you are wasting my time or I am wasting your time.  Make a choice and make the right choice, because life is too short for me to have a lot of excuses, lies, fake facts and bullshit in my life.

For those that know I am cool with you, then stay the same and just duck when I get to the point where I am ready to snap.  But make sure that you know for a fact that I am cool with you, because you will be surprised how short the list is for those people that I am ok with.  Matter of fact, not giving any names, but there are only 4 people that don't have to worry about me going off on them at some point in time and they are all female.

Relationships

How many relationships do you have in your life?  How do you build a strong relationship?  How do you know when a relationship is going bad or getting better?  Is there signs for when a relationship is is unhealthy even if everything seems to be going just fine?

I know when I was younger, the older generations would tell me that a strong relationship would depend on how much time and effort each person would put into keeping the relationship strong.  Usually with conversation, care, concern, understanding and the lack of being selfish.  People would try their best to work together to solve problems that would arise in the relationship.  Sometimes they would work it out and then there were times that the problems would just get harder to work out.

Now I am not just talking about a relationship that you have with a spouse, because there are several other kinds of relationships out there.  It could be with a co-worker, family member or friends.  Of course if it is with a spouse there is more importance on working through any problems to maintain the marriage.  But we all know that there does come a time in which some relationships just fade away in time.  Is that because there wasn't a strong foundation created prior to the relationship?

When I think back over the years and look at the different relationships that I have had, I realize that some of those relationships are no longer there.  It seems like as I get older, I find myself wanting to reduce the number of relationships that I have because it is harder to maintain all of them at the same time.  I know certain friend relationships are still there because friends still call or email me from time to time just to say hello.  There are some friends, that I have not heard from for many years, yet I still love them just the same.  Yes I said love because to me that is what they earned from me...my love and to know that they are loved.  There are certain friends from my past that always put a smile on my face and a warmth in my heart when I just think about them.  All of the fun and sad times that we have spent together over the years.  I guess I can assume that those relationships are cemented in a firm foundation.

There are some relationships that I think about and just wonder to myself...why am I even around this person.  Not because they are mean to me, but because it seems that the value of that relationship was exhausted due to problems not being worked out.  Would that be my fault or their fault or just a combination of both.  I will not assume that I am perfect because I know I am not, so I default to thinking that the fault is mine. Well at least I used to think that way until a few months ago.

One night when I was feeling very alone and seemed to have lost my way, I started to think about all of the friends that I had such wonderful times with and how I never hear from them at all.  Did I do something wrong, did I hurt their feelings in some way and never realized it?  I thought about the last moments that I was with each friend and tried to analyze if something went wrong or if I missed something.  With the exception of one friend, which I know I did something to make him angry at me, the other friends I have no clue why our relationships are not still there.

I have always taken pride in the fact that I have so many friends all over the place, but it seems like as I get older, those relationships are sliding away from me, year by year.  How many times have you told yourself, "I will give _______ a call next week".  Then before you know it, it is next year, then next decade and so on.  I have done that with some of my friends too much and then regret it when I hear bad news later on about that friend or one of their loved ones that I knew as well.  It's not like me to lose touch with those that are near and dear to my heart.  But I guess that is no longer true, since I have not tried to reach out and touch many of my old friends.  (Facebook and email doesn't count to me)

Is there signs for when a relationship is starting to fall apart?  I believe that there are several signs, but most of the time we just don't want to deal with it and fool ourselves into thinking that things will get better.  Well things do get better but only because those in the relationship choose to ignore or side-step the problem without trying to resolve the problems.  Once you have enough things ignored or piled up on the side you may notice how hard it becomes to tolerate the little things that you did mind previously.  Is that being true to yourself or those in the relationship?  No it is not!  There are too many people that stick with relationships just because they are comfortable with it or they are afraid to lose the relationship.  Some people in relationships become dependent upon the other person/people so they can't let go of the the relationship.  It can quickly seem like a jail cell that you can not escape.  Each bar in the cell is another item from the relationship, and after awhile you have built a maximum security prison in which there is no escape and you have been given a life sentence.

I guess the best thing to do to prevent that prison is take the time to look at the relationships that we have in our lives and determine if it has the potential to become a prison cell.  If it does then you need to take the step to correct the problems, or let go of the relationship.  I know some people will say "easier said than done"...well it is easier said than done, because you really need to evaluate the relationships you are in and find out if it is worth it.

Now that I think about it, relationships are like investments, because depending on how much you put into it, will determine how much you get out of it.  But you also have to remember that just like some investments, you can still turn a profit, but end up hurt in the long run.  When you start to see a dip in the relationship, it is time to take a good look at things and decide to ride it out and hope for a rebound, or pull out and invest somewhere else.

For me, I have not pulled out any investments, and decided to ride it out with all of my relationships.  There are a very small few relationships that are critical to me, but it seems 1 or 2 of them is on the decline and no matter what I do, I just can't get that relationship back to the level it was before.  I keep telling myself that it will get better, but the longer I wait, the older I get and the more set in my ways I become.  I really don't want my relationships to crash and I am not looking for mega profits, but I do want them to be enjoyable again.  Lord knows I have put as much effort as I can into them, now lets just see if those in these relationships find any worth or value in me.  If they don't, then I wish they would just tell me now so that I can gain closure!