It has been nearly 3 months since I lost the man I loved for 20 years. I now understand why so many married couples that lose a spouse dies later. It is a broken heart that aches for so long that the body and mind just finds it so hard to continue without that person.
I have many dear old friends that remember me from high school, they contact me when they remember I am alive. Family that I didn’t grow up with, and are distant in miles and love. They don’t know that I spent so many years with a man I loved with my mind, body and soul. To lose him so suddenly, in the span of 48 hours, devastated me for weeks. I tried to put on the “face” that immediate friends thought I should have so that they didn’t have to worry about me. But it is all a lie, I am totally destroyed on the inside. I miss being held, being kissed, being the man my love wanted me to be.
I did the right thing and talked to my doctor who in turn sent me to speak with a psychiatrist. It helped for a little while, because I was able to talk to her and not be judged. But the truth is, I put on a show for her too, because I didn’t want to trouble her with my problems. That has been my problem all my life, trying to be what everyone else needed of me, while inside I have been screaming and crying for 40+ years. Was it my childhood, yes, being told that I am worthless and hit when my uncle had too much to drink. I even made excuses for that to myself, I figured if he took his anger and violence out on me, my aunt would be safe.
No matter how much I try to convince myself that I had an ok childhood, it wasn’t. I looked towards my friends to rescue me, with friendship, because I never wanted to admit I was beaten for 10 years. Was I an angel? No, not at all, but I was always respectful to others, because I wanted to change the world that I lived in for years. If it wasn’t for the many friends I had in high school, I know I would not be here now.
Yes, that is right, I tried to commit suicide as a teenager, it didn’t work because my aunt found me a few moments after I swallowed several pills. She called 911 and got me to the hospital, and my life was never the same since. There are times I wish she would have been the wonderful Christian woman that she is and allowed me mercy to get out of the world. Because my 52 years have been very hard and I don’t know how much more I can take.
I am so desperate for a companion, that I joined different gay apps, looking for someone. Only to be tricked and used by scammers, that fed on my desperation for a relationship. I came to my senses before anything happened, and I became bitter because of it, which hurt me even more. It showed me how people want to prey on those with broken hearts to profit from their misery and pain.
As I try to come to grips with my life, I have to accept that I will not find anyone to share my life with. I will live out my remaining days, weeks, months and maybe years, alone and hurting for love. It is not the act of love I am loving for, it is the emotional love, being wanted by another man that I can trust. But then I quickly realized that I am not strong enough to move past this moment in my life. I can’t see past the heartbreak, the loneliness, the emotional prison that my heart occupies.
When did I lose myself, because I do not recognize the man in the mirror and looking at him makes my heartbreak even worse. I try to tell him that he just needs to take one day at a time, one step at a time. I do not believe he is listening to me, because I see the sadness and tears just beneath his eyes. I know he cries, but tries to stop before the pain is softened. It scares him to cry, because he thinks his world will finally come crashing down, and reveal that he is still that young child being hit, yelled at, cussed out, teased and bullied by his uncle.
I want to help him, but that is the problem, I am always trying to help others with their issues and problems. But when it comes to me being able to talk my problems out, nobody is there for me. I am surrounded by friends and co-workers, but I am alone. In a world with 7+ billion people, I don’t know who can help me. Yes I know I have paid someone to listen, I can try to figure out which friend can identify with me, and there are none. Most my male friends are married and the true heterosexual male. They have no clue how badly I hurt inside, because I cannot tell them everything in the fear of losing my friends too.
I don’t know if this will ever see the light of day, or be viewed by another pair of eyes. I wanted to try to get a little bit of the pain out of me. Otherwise, even my 2 sons and grandson will pickup on the fact that I am not ok, not ok at all. I stay strong for those 3, because they are my pride and joy. But I am missing a major part of who I am and I am totally lost and cannot find a path to take. I would say I am at a fork in the road, but both paths in front of me appears dark, cold and lonely.
I am afraid, so afraid, my self-esteem is falling and when that goes, I am not sure, I can keep going.
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