It is Thursday morning 12:38 am, an hour ago I ended my workday, after a conference call with my employees. It was the typical business call, dealing with quality, production and future changes due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Basically, I was trying to reassure my employees that their future is being carefully considered by the executives of the agency. But as much as I try to reassure them, I am having serious doubts to my own future. Not work wise, I always have the mindset to do my job, to the best of my ability. I pride myself on being a part of management and starting new employees on the path for success.
That is where it all falls down, because I care more for other people than I do for myself. But I have been trying to work on that. An amazing friend of mine from many years ago, has been a friendly counselor to me. I have always been impressed with the advice he posts online. That is why I reached out to him. He would understand where I am coming from with my own life experiences.
The hardest part for me is dealing with the death of the most amazing person that I have had the privilege of spending the last 20 years with. He was my rock and my foundation. I will admit, the last 30 years I have had someone with me, that I believed loved me and was my companion through the ups and downs of life. The first 10 was my ex-wife, and the mother of my two sons. Thank you, Michelle, for the sons we have together. The other 20 years was with a man I loved more than several people.
My inner circle was my ex-wife, my two sons, my roommate of 20 years that I felt total love for the entire twenty years. He became the bedrock to my future, I wanted to be there for him for the rest of my life. But it was not to be, because he left us behind and is resting in paradise. But that is where I find myself having a thought time, because we both depended on each other for everything in our lives. Good or bad, happy or sad, we were there for each other for twenty years. But now...I am lost in the wilderness of heartache, heartbreak, and heart longing for a companion for the rest of my life.
I am not trying to be co-dependent, but I know I am at my happiest when I have a companion to be with. I blame that on my zodiac sign of Libra. Yes, we like to balance everything, but we need interaction with close people, first to establish our comfort basis, and then we reach out to help others. We know that we have the ability to balance the important stuff in our lives, but we also like to keep bonds going with others that mean so much to us. Like any scale when one side is suddenly empty, we try to balance the scale again, and rather quickly. That is where my current dilemma is quickly leaving me unbalanced and questioning myself on how to fix myself and balance my life again.
I have two new online friends that I have met in the last 90 days, and both are very special in their own way. I enjoy chatting with both, but one is more mature than the other. I don’t think either was ready for the mess I am going through, but they try their best to stay in contact. I like chatting with people that have common interests. It makes it easier to strike up a conversation.
The downside to these new chat friends, they are not available that often to shoot the breeze, so my mind tries to figure out what I did wrong to stop them from talking with me. I get the random chat when they think of me every few days, but I know it is a two-way street, I can reach out to them to but when I do not get a response after several days, I start going down that proverbial rabbit hole of depression.
I am trying so hard to keep a control over everything, by distracting myself with work. But I know that is just a placebo to fool myself into a false state of mind that I am fine, when the truth is that I am deathly afraid.
I find myself drifting towards any friends that show any attention to me on a regular basis. I try to show a positive outlook on things, but I know it is wearing me down, rapidly because it is not genuine, it is me thinking that in order to keep friends I cannot show that I am a troubled soul right now. I recognize it easily but cannot change it.
I find myself going down a dark path every night after work. I crack open any alcoholic beverage I have in the house and take several shots or drink a few beers. I tell myself and others that I am just taking the edge off and that it helps me sleep. I am not getting drunk; I am just getting that comfortable buzz. But that has been the same for the last 4 weeks. Now it is taking more alcohol each day to give me that feeling, and I know that is the warning sign, that I must back off on the whiskey drinks. Not proud of it, but I have finished two bottles of Fire Jack Daniels, one bottle of Crown Royal, and as of today, I am working on a bottle of Hennessy.
I know I should not drink as much, but I know I am in trouble, and I don’t know what to do. Plenty of friends try to step up to say they care, but honestly, they don’t know what I have truly lost with the death of my love. They give their words of support and kindness, but then kick me to the curb, instead of knowing there is a problem when they hear me say “I’m fine, don’t worry about me, go on with your life”
I promised everyone that I will be fine, but I now know that I will not be fine. I’m sorry for lying to you all, but I am afraid, that I will never find love again.
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