Sunday, 1:40 AM, September 13, 2009
How did I get to this point in my life where I am no longer happy with the end results of my life? Did I make several wrong choices in the past 30 years that changed a life of fun and happiness to a life of loneliness and heart break? Where did I go so wrong that I work harder to please those that I have done no wrong without a regard to my own life, sanity and happiness? Maybe if I look back over time and determine the critical turning points in my life, I can discover my mistakes and understand that I deserve what is now appearing to be how my life with play out.
When I was twelve, I had so much fun in my old neighborhood with all of my friends. I lived in a semi safe home where a wonderful woman took care of me as though I was her own son. Even though I was her nephew through marriage, she cared for me more than any other person on the face of the planet. I am not saying that my mother did not care for me, but the choices that were made for her life and my life, were impacted by my uncle…her brother. Was this the first clue to the pain that I would have to learn to deal with in my life? Being ripped away from one’s mother and siblings at the age of 5 and raised as though that bloodline connection was inferior could create issues for such a young mind.Growing up over the years and visiting the bloodline every 2 years, allowed for familiarity, but not for motherly instinct and teaching to one’s own child. Is that the reason why after my mother died, it took me a year before I really mourned her death? Shouldn’t I have cried and been in terrible heartache and pain on August 4, 1986. Did I cry at the funeral because everyone else was crying? Even now, my heart should be able to tell me the correct answer, but it doesn’t know as well. Is that the second clue because my mind tells me that I miss her but my heart does not feel the sting of losing a mother?
I remember the night that I received a phone call saying that the sweet woman that raised me as her son had passed away, and within seconds I screamed and felt like a part of my heart was torn from my body. In my mind that night, I knew that my life would never be the same from that point forward. April 26, 2004 I was ready to snap because for the first time in my life, I was truly alone. Those that I grew up to know as family were not really my family any longer because the one sweet woman that made that bond was gone. I knew after the funeral that I would not see that side of the “family” much or ever again. There is nothing wrong with that side of the family but I shared no common blood with anyone so what would is the “tie that binds” for us? It was that sweet woman that we all loved so much. Without her, things and people would never be the same. I knew that for a fact, because I changed at the moment of that terrible call.
It’s 2:31 AM Sunday, September 13, 2009 as I start the process to write this document, journal, summary, jigsaw puzzle, enigma of Michael Rowland. I can honestly say at this time, I no longer feel like I have a purpose or focus to my life, because those things that I need in life seem to be slipping away again, and I am powerless to stop them. Those things are my health, lack of wealth, sanity, happiness, love life, lover, friends and will. I am not saying this is a suicide note, because it isn’t at all. I am just trying to put to writing the questions that keep me awake at night and wonder over and over, why can’t I be happy as I used to be? I am searching for the clues so that I can finally piece back together my path of happiness and will. I find it harder to say that I “love you” to anyone other than my sons because they deserve my love because I am their father and I will always love them no matter what. I will never abandon my sons as I was abandoned from ever even knowing who my father was. I am a true bastard that wants to do right by his sons and have the honor to be a father and be called Dad/Daddy. I think this is a positive clue, but deeper looks into it can generate negative clues as well.
