Without a father...

Is it possible for a man to grow up without a father and still turn out right? I ask myself that question a lot. Why do I ask that question...it is because I have never known who my father is. Even at a very young age I would wonder who my father was and why he was not around to help me, save me, protect me and teach me.


Now I did have a father figure, but it was my uncle and let me just say, he was not a person that I would want to be like.  Over the years as I was growing up, things turned very ugly between him and I, to the point that we had one major moment one night when I was 16.  That moment was the last chapter in the book of being a victim and allowing him to treat me like trash.  Let's just put it this way, both of us survived that night, and neither of us laid a hand on the other, but what was said and the actions that were taken, made it absolutely clear to him that I had enough.


Because of my experiences growing up around a man that was verbally and physically abusive, statistics say that history would repeat itself if I would have children.  Well, the statistics were wrong for me, because I have never treated my sons in the manner that I was treated as I grew up.  I worked very hard over the years to ensure that my sons both know that I love them, and that their father would do everything possible to be a FATHER.


I wanted to ensure that I deserved the title of "Father" instead of being called "the biological sperm donor".  The sad thing about some men today is the fact that they can't call themselves a father because they have turned their backs on their children.  It really amazes me at times how a man, who is willing to spend the few minutes of fun, can't live up to the end result of creating a life.  Like the saying, "if you do the crime, then you can do the time". Well, I think the same is true for some men in this day and age.  They get a female pregnant and before you know it, they deny that the child is their child.  They reject the mother and child because of stupid reasons, which most of the time is all about being selfish.  They want to play the field more, and don't want to settle down or be tied to one female.  These males and not men and can never be fathers because a man and father takes care of their child no matter what!!!


All of that sounds great, but the truly sad things about this...I didn't learn this from my "father figure".  I learned it from being around my friends' fathers and watching fathers on television shows/movies.  There was a love/hate thing about going to my friend's houses, because I loved to spend time away from home, but at times I hated the fact that their fathers were good decent men.  If the father figure at my home was cruel, vulgar, hurtful, abusive...I should see it another house as well.  I didn't see it at all...even to this very day, I have never met anyone that had a father figure like the one I had.


I knew after I moved away from home and started on my life journey...I could never go back home.  I would be able to visit and spend time with my loving aunt (a true mother figure).  But every time I would go back there to visit, he would be there and all I wanted to do, is return to him what he had done to me for years.  But my sons were with me each time I would visit, and I would not do or say anything to tarnish my sons' view of their father.  I carry that title with pride and honor because I earned that title and nobody is going to take it away from me!


I do not see my self being like one of the great TV fathers that we all grew up watching over the past 40 years.  But we must remember, even those TV fathers were not real, it was all a script to portray the image. However, we were still able to learn things from those TV fathers.  To a certain degree, I had to take different pieces of those TV fathers to help me determine the right things to do, because I sure the heck was not going to ask my uncle for advice.


I really wonder at times, if my life would have been any different if I would have had the chance to know who is or was my father.  I have tried for many years to find out from older family members who my mother was dating or was with around Dec 1966.  I would come close at times, and even had to track down some of my mother's old friends that were around her during that period of time.  It really became a mission for me for a few years, but each direction I would attempt would either be blocked or I was told that they had no clue.  For me, as much as people say that they really loved my mother and respected her, it seems like they would want her baby boy to be happy.  But that is not the case at all, and at times it really does hurt to know that nobody wants me to know.  Especially my mother's older sisters and brother that are still alive today.


Have I given up on the quest to find out about my father...yes to a certain degree, because I don't want the quest to consume me.  However, I am human and the questions that I have about this mystery man is still in the back of my mind.  Especially during those abusive nights of slaps, punches and cussing thrown at me, I would hope and pray that my father would arrive and take me away to safety. But that was all a dream to me because the reality of my life is the fact that I will never know my father, I will never know what my true last name should have been.  There is another side of my blood line on the planet that I would love to know, but I will never know.  I don't have illusions that my father is some rich person that will shower me with guilt money for not being there, because that is not what I want.  There is one and only one thing that I want the most in the world above everything else...to know and experience the feeling of being hugged lovingly by my father.


For those of you out there that still have your father living or at least you know your father, count your blessing, because you more than likely have something that I will never have.  Even if your experience with your father was hard and something you don't want to remember, you still have one thing I don't.


From one father to all other fathers...love your children and give them hugs of love every chance you can. Because there is no greater title earned than being a "FATHER".


For all of you "biological sperm donors", you helped create the life, now become a man and take care of your child.  There is no greater feeling than hugging your child and being there for your child.

Are you family or a relative...

Are you family or a relative?  Not necessarily to me, but to anyone in your life?  Do you know the meaning of family and relative?  When you talk about people that you have a common blood bond with them, are they a family member or just a relative.

To give you a chance to know the difference, take a look at what a dictionary has to say about both words.  Family - a social unit living together.  Relative - a person related by blood or marriage.  Most people would say that they are a the same thing and describes the same people...but I have news for you...they are different.

Let's start with family...who do I consider to be my family?  Those that I share a direct blood link with, therefore, that is my children and their mother, my brothers and sisters. (Of course my own mother, and my father if I knew who he was!)  You might say, "no duh Michael", however you would be amazed how many people say their family is much larger, when it really is not.  Now my relatives would be anyone that still shares a blood relationship but not directly with me, so that would consist of aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews.  Now this is where it gets a little tricky because if you are married, then you do have other family members due to marriage, however they are really just relatives because of a marriage.

Now that you see my understanding of who is what to me, lets talk about the level of loyalty, love and respect.  Because to me, each group has a different level with me and that means that they can expect a certain amount of attention, respect, loyalty from me, but my love is the same for them all.

Family....they are the primary focus in my life and they can always know that I will be there in some form or fashion.  My children and their mother are the first level of attention because as a father I must make sure that they are taken care of to the best of my ability.  If they have a need (not a want), then I do what I have to do to take care of their need.  Their "wants" are their problem, not mine!  I have my own "wants" that need to be satisfied. The next level of my family is my brothers and sisters.  Especially my sisters, because my sisters are very precious to me.  My brothers are just as important however, they are older than me, so I look up to them for advice and guidance.  At the same time I have to protect my family from those that want to hurt my family.  That even means, at times, protect my family from other family members that like to start trouble.  We all have them and you know it, just think of those family members that you know are going to get a little "juice" in them and just start talking trash or acting crazy.  It is so easy to have problems with family members, because you don't expect a family member to betray, ignore or disown a family member.  BUT IT DOES HAPPEN, and I have seen it personally.  But that is another story!

Relative...this is easy to sum up, because all relatives are part of someone else's family.  Just because you are a relative, that does not mean you are going to get along or even like each other at times.  For me, I have a lot of relatives all over the country by blood and by marriage.  Although in the recent years, it seems like a specific side of my relatives have the ability to forget that we are even alive.  I must admit, I don't know why we don't spend time with each other anymore, but I have heard rumors.  Some of the rumors are due to a change of views, and others based on racism.  Which one is true, I do not know, and right now, I really don't care.  The rest of my relatives on my side of the family are living their lives and loving life to the best of their ability.  We may not speak to each other that often but I hope and pray that they know that I love them all.

Now there is another group of people that I did not talk about because they are not blood but I see them as family because they are so important to me.  I have one friend that I call a sister because she and I can talk about anything at anytime and see eye to eye on the issue.  We can let our defenses down and just speak like friends should.  I have a few male friends that I call brothers because we seem like brothers to each other at times.  Of course I have a very select group that is extremely close to me and all I can say is that I love each one in their own special way.  I don't have to mention any names because each of these people know exactly how much I love them individually.

I guess what I am trying to say is that over time some relatives might make you rather upset with things said or down, but each relative is part of a family.  Never burn your bridges with your relatives, because there may come a time when your family will need the help of relatives to take care of problems.  No matter what is said or done, there is NEVER a reason to be mean, cruel, rude, ignore, disown a family member or relative because we all will need each other at some other point in time.

Those of you reading this that might be in my family or one of my relatives, remember, I love you...no matter how long it takes for us to talk or spend time together again.  You are all in my heart because I love my family and my relatives.

If you are one of those people that is outside of my family or relatives and like to cause problems, do yourself a favor and just keep it to yourself.  Just like any family, we have our own problems and don't need your hate and bad attitudes causing problems.  To put it simple, don't bring your bullshit to my door step because I don't need it and you may not like my response to the crap you cause.