THE DAY REALITY CRASHED IN ON ME...

It is May 16, 2020 at 9:51 pm and my world got rocked today, because I binge watch a Netflix show I like very much. It is called Thirteen Reasons Why, 4th season, episode 10, the series finale. In which two main characters that became close friends and like brothers, were in a hospital as one close friend was dying. The image is showing Justin laying in the hospital bed, and they decide to take the ventilator out so Justin could talk with his friends and adopted family. The main character’s name is Clay, and Justin lived at Clay’s house as his adopted brother and friend. Justin knew he was about to die and struggled to say “I love you” to Clay because he was dying. Clay was holding his hand when Justin died.

That exact moment triggered me more than I could ever realize. Because I was at the bedside of my love, Rudy. The doctor told me that he doesn't have much longer and that I should prepare myself.  He was my everything, and I told him softly, don't go, please stay. As I kissed him and said, "I Love You", I heard him exhale as though he was waiting for me to say goodbye.  Moments later he passed away in my arms, because I laid my head on his chest hugged him in his ICU bed. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, but I could not, because the reality of him being gone, hit me so hard, it took my breath away. I truly believe that I lost a portion of my soul at that moment because I felt the world get a lot darker for me.

I was deathly afraid of losing him, but a strange calm came over me, and I talked to him as loving as my heart could handle at that moment. I told him without reservation that he is the love of my life. The 20 years that he was mine and I was his, is the most wonderful journey in my life. I was willing to let him go so that he can final rest in paradise. 

I was absolutely destroyed that day, March 25, 2020. When he died as I was holding him, we were alone in his ICU room. His mother and brother showed up a few moments later, and he was already gone. I begged the doctor to keep the ventilator going for his mother, because it would show him as still being alive. I didn’t want his mother and brother to know that he was already gone, per his ICU doctor. I wanted her to have the memory of her being there with her baby boy before he passed away.

Now, nearly 90 days later, a television show hit my reality with an atomic bomb. I have been crying for the last 9 hours off and on. Each time I cry it starts with the fact that I will never hear “I love you Mike” from the lips that I have kissed for 20 years. Those 3 words will never be uttered to me again by the man I devoted my life to. So right now, I am trying to get past this, but I cannot. 

One exceptionally hard night at work, I drove home from my office, I had the worst thought I could ever have, Suicide By Cop. For about 10 seconds I considered that way out, but quickly came back to reality knowing how that would impact my family and community. I do not want to be another hashtag!

I grew up in the church and I know suicide is a ticket to hell, so I can’t bring myself to that situation. Not too mention I am afraid of death, but my heart and mind is having trouble working on a new path for my life. Is life worth it, yes it is. I have two sons I adore and love unconditionally. I have a grandson that is so adorable that he makes my heart fly when I see him. But I have to decide if those 3 people is worth anchoring my life. 

True love and a life long commitment to one man, then the sudden death of that man, I would not wish this feeling on my worst enemy. That is why I am trying to move through this pain, but I am really weak at this time, because I have been lying to myself for over 2 months. I wanted to throw myself into work as a distraction, but I did more damage to my heart and mind but not allowing the grief to pass through me. It has been bottled up for over 60 days, and it crashed my reality completely. 

I am at the point were I think I need to speak to the Suicide Hotline, my doctor and close friends, because I am close to the end. One friend is making himself known and willing to help, but as usual, I don’t want to burden anyone with my problems. 

Let me just say this, if this is my final blog post, I love everyone that has been part of my life. Some are still here and some have gone their separate ways, and I will never hear from them again.

My friends from high school, thank you for all that ups and downs. Friends from college, I hope I was able to bring some happiness into your lives. To my co-workers, I thank you for all that you have helped me with over the years, it has been an honor to manage the IRS New Hires with you. Thank you for the moments that we had together for potlucks and COVID-19 get togethers. I love each moment you offered me to try to be normal for a few hours on the weekends.

I LOVE YOU ALL, thank you for being part of my life, because you helped me to this point, but now, I am on a different path and I pray to see you again in the future. Goodbye.