I find myself paying close attention to those around me and in my life lately and it seems like many people have run out of the greatest resource in the world...HOPE. In my life I have had an abundance of hope and hopeful situations. In the recent years, it seems like my hopes are running low or just seem to be few and far between.
Long ago Jesse Jackson said "Keep hope alive". I find myself saying the same thing over and over again to myself and other people, because it seems like hope is being destroyed month after month. Now I am not talking about the current condition of the United States, but I know that is part of the cause for me losing hope. I am not one of those people that ties their life to successes and failures of their country because I have don't have that much trust in ALL of the elected officials. But I do have trust and control over who I trust around me in my life. One by one, I have seen several of my loved ones and friends go through an amazing amount of stress and strain. All I can do is stand there and say that I understand, because I have nothing to offer to help. That is where my hopes start to fall off like an avalanche in the mountains.
Over the years I have always told people to be happy for what they have in their lives because it could be a lot worst for them. However, in the last few years I don't say that as much any more because I know I am one of those people now. I know that I am thankful that I am able to wake up each morning and go about my day, but I find it harder to wake up and want to do anything at all. I find myself slowly slipping into a depression state that I have never felt before. It feels like I am being chased by something that has it's claws and teeth sharpened and ready to take a serious piece of flesh from me. I like to call it the confusion monster because I find myself being very confused about what is the next steps to take in my life. It is hard to function like this because I usually have a plan for the next few steps that I will take, but it seems like this big monster is getting to me more often.
Venom from the confusion monster is slowly flowing in my thought processes and making it difficult if not impossible to think clearly. The only time when I am able to think clearly is when my friends and loved ones tell me of a situation that they are going through. At that time, I am able to put away the confusion and think clearly for them. I know that has been one of my strengths for a very long time. I have always taken pride in the fact that I can talk to people and give them a different way of looking at their problems. Sometimes the things I have to tell them, they do not accept easily, but they hear what I have to say. They allow my words to sink into their mind and in time they make the right decision for themselves. But again, like I have said before in the blog...there is nobody to help me sort out the issues in my own head.
Every now and then I am able to think clearly and I get my hopes up...only to be thrown back a few steps. Now I know it is not smart to get your hopes up, because then you set yourself up for disappointments. I can handle disappointments, at least I thought I could. It seems like for now, I cannot handle the disappointments so I stop myself from moving on. There are certain aspects to my life right now that I know in my heart I should just move on, but I just can't. Is it fear of the unknown, or is it the fear of knowning what I will give up to move on. No matter the choices that I make, I will be the one that is hurt and at this point in my life, I just can't take that chance.
Yes Jesse Jackson, I am trying my best to keep hope alive, but it seems like hope needs some serious CPR. I know when all hope is gone, that will be the point in time that I will not know what the next step will be. Do I find hope elsewhere or continue to rescue the hopes that I have had with me for many years? I can understand why there are so many people that find it easier to just give up and hide themselves away from the world. Then there are those that do a terrible thing and end their own lives because they have no hope and can't see hope for the future. I will be honest, I have thought about that same situation from time to time, but that is all it is...just a thought. The thought comes and goes within milliseconds. I am not that kind of person to take my own life because I love life and want to be here as long as the good Lord says that I can be here.
Opportunity may knock at my door and I will be ready to open that door. I just wish that with opportunity, hope walks in the door as well. I am not ready to give up on hope, because there is plenty of hope left in the world. A person just has to have the courage to reach out and grab hope when it is made available. I belive that hope can be found in the strangeous places and at the oddest times in your life.
Under the category of strange place to receive hope from, a dream. Two of my most recent dreams was me talking with my mother and my aunt. These two ladies where a great resource in my life, but the good Lord took them both from my life too soon for me. But I truly believe with all my heart that in the last two weeks, both of them came to me in my dreams and fed me more hope. Both dreams were not bizarre or strange, but actually very peaceful and in a very comfortable environment. I will not discuss what was the topic of discussions in my dreams with them, but lets just say that they don't agree with a few decisions I have made in the last few months. In a nutshell, I deserve better and in time, better will arrive and make things better for me. The sadness that I have in my heart concerning certain people will be removed. The anger that I have in my mind over certain issues will be fully resolved. The anxiety that I have in my body will be released. Hope will return and bringing a few friends...love, peace and happiness.
If you don't believe me, that is fine, because I know it is true. Otherwise I could not say...(take the first letter of each above paragraph to know why I believe it...)
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