Yet another night of hard dreams in which my life was the subject of the dreams. I get the feeling that my subconscious is trying to tell me something about my life. I really wish there was a guide to understanding the odd images and situations that I experience in my dreams from time to time. Is my mind telling me what I should do to be happy, or is it telling me of things to come? I see the faces of family members and friends, strangers and monsters, known and unknown locations.
For example, last night I had a dream in which I felt totally alone but I was surrounded by many people. As I would look around, I did not recognize any of the faces, because each face was just a blur. Now I am not the type of person that feels nervous in a crowd of people that I do not know...I have no problem meeting new people and starting a conversation to past the time. But in this dream, everyone that I would try to talk with, would just stop for a moment, attempt to talk with me, but then disappear before I had the chance to speak. At first I didn't think anything about the situation, and figured these people were just being nice but also in a rush to get on with their own needs. As I continued to walk around to find a familiar face in the crowd, I was see glimpses of people I knew in the crowd. As I change direction to head to those faces, I would never get close to them and those faces would disappear from the crowd.
Thinking about that dream now, I believe it is the on-going issue that I have had for many years now in which I feel that I do not have anyone around me in which I can talk to about things troubling me. I know I have a lot of loving family members and dear friends. But I feel that nobody has the time to let me vent and then be understanding of what I feel and give me advice...constructive advice! I am not saying that I am better than any of the people in my life, but I just don't think anyone else can relate to my situations and be able to advise me.
Another type of dream that I have a lot is more like a romance novel that has turned into a comedy. Get your minds out of the gutter, I did not say "wet dreams"...but that would at least be something different! In my love based dreams, I find myself at home and preparing for a night of romance, but the person of my affection never arrives. I get knocks at the door and rush to open the door only to find that nobody is there. Each time I rush to the door, my heart fills with love and desire to hold my love, and I daydream in the dream of things that will take place, only to disappointed as soon as I open the door. Time after time, I rush to the door and get my hopes up, only to have my hopes thrown away. But I continue to open the door in the hopes that someone will walk through that door and pass the time with me.
Thinking about that dream now, I know that I am not happy with the situation of my love life, because there is more than can be done, but love is a two way street. I can go down that road but I need the other person to drive the road also. But the road has many potholes, a major road bump and too many yield signs. With each obstacle, my love life seems to get detoured and has yet to get back on the same road with me. There is a frontage road my love life is on and it is driving in the same direction, but there is a still a lot of "curbs" in the way. As with every journey, there comes a time when you have to pull over and get more gas, but when the journey seems to be too long and you are not going to arrive at the same destination, getting more gas seems pointless. Do you continue on the same road or do you find a new road and try the journey with someone on the same road? Taking a new road is rather hard when the person you are on the road with is extremely important in your life.
The final dream always deals with terrible situations that seem to land me in the hospital. I have several dreams of me laying in hospital beds from various accidents and situations. Each dream is a different situation and I always recover, but the pain and heartache is experienced over and over again. The most recent dream involved me laying in a hospital bed in which there are tubes, wires, beeping machines and other medical items around me. I look around the room to see if there is anyone or anything I recognize, but there is nothing and nobody in the room with me. I lay there and listen to the machines beep and try to take inventory of my body. I can see, so I know my eyes and brain are ok...I can hear the sounds so I know my eyes are ok...I can move my arms so I know my upper body is ok. I try to move my legs and that is where I start to notice a difference immediately. I reach for the buttons on the bed to lift me up so that I can view my legs. I view my legs and I feel my legs, yet I can not move my legs. I start to cry for a nurse to come in to the room so that I can find out what is going on. After a few moments, someone dressed as a nurse arrives and proceeds in telling me what landed me in the hospital this time. The nurse explains that since I don't use my legs to walk away from situations that put my needs as a "no-priority" my legs consider me as a "no-priority" and decided to shutdown for the final time in my life.
Yes I know what this dream is saying, that I need to move on with my life and not be stuck in the mud of life. I have the ability to move on and not let life get me down, but there are so many little situations that pile up to become a large overall situation. Since I am a Libra, I hate to walk away from a unbalanced situation. I have always tried to reach a balanced state in my life, but lately, everything is unbalanced and it is taking its toll on me emotionally and physically. But that is my nature, I don't give up until I see that there is absolutely no chance of achieving balance. It is very rare that I quit or give up on things/people that are in my life. To date, there is only one person I ever gave up on, and only one situation that I decided to quit. Everything else reached a balance over time, but the question is...
In reaching balance, how much did the new balance, unbalance me from being happy with my own life? I think the answer is being worked out in my dreams, and my mind is telling me the answer, but that answer is not what my heart wants to do.
Now where did I put that instruction manual...."How to live a life and be happy with the life you live". Oh wait, that's right, there is no instruction manual to life.
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