I was once told that if you reach the end of your life and the things that you think of the most is regrets, then there is a good chance that you really did not live. I can only assume that in some form or fashion, everyone has something that they regret in their past or present.
Do I have regrets? Yes, I have plenty of regrets and it hurts to think about them so much. Do I think that I have reached the end of my life? No, because I have no clue what the future holds for me, and there is no chance that I would do something stupid to shorten my life. So why am I thinking about the regrets of my life? If I knew the answer to that questiion, I guess I would be laying in bed right now instead of typing my thoughts into this computer.
To be fair to those that may read this posting, I am not going to give details because I don't regret the "life experiences", but I may regret the end results of those experiences. I know that I have specific categories that my regrets fall within and I can say that they are spiritual, love, business and friendship. Most of my regrets span multiple categories because of the people and issues involved, but only a few deal with one category.
You will notice that I did not say family, because I do not regret my family at all, because they are my blood and I love them all equally and eternally. There may be times when we do not speak to each for several days, weeks, months and even years; but my heart loves each and every single blood family member.
Let's start with spiritual. There was a very special time in my life when I was a teenager and attended church regularly. The day in which I freely walked to the alter and accepted the Lord as my savior was an amazing day in my life. There are no words that can describe the emotions and physical feelings that I felt when the spirit of the Lord entered my soul. But I can describe the emotions and feelings that I felt and feel for the years that I have been considered as a "back-slider". I know the correct things to do to regain those feelings, and I pray that I have the time to sort my life out and move back in the right direction. I know I should not wait, and the longer I wait, the longer I stay away from eternally happiness. So there is a regret.
Regrets in and of love. Regrets of the heart are always so painful for everyone. What is that old saying, "it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all" (or something like that). I can understand the statement but sometimes I think it is better to have never loved, but a broken heart is so painful. Although many will say that each time you get a broken heart, it mends and that which does not kill you, only makes you stronger. I cannot agree with that because I have been in love for many years, but my heart still aches for the love that is portrayed in movies. I was watching a movie earlier that I have seen several times and by the end of the movie I have tears in my eyes because I share the heartache of the actor. Since I can feel that ache, then I assume that I have felt that love/warmth previously and now that I don't, that is why I have tears in my eyes and an ache in my heart. Will I ever get that feeling back in my life...I don't know because all relationships are on a two-way street. I have been on that street for many years, and at times I see a light ahead traveling towards me, but the light never seems to come to me.
Regrets in business. This one is too easy because I don't regret leaving that job, but I do regret what that job took from me. The stresses that I felt have impacted me mentally, physically and emotionally. The emotional aspect triggered memories of my youth and made my mental state a major challenge. While the emotional and mental stress kept building higher, my physical health dropped lower and lower. Dropped so low that while returning from a waste-of-time business trip, I had a heart event on the plane at 30K feet in the air. Upon landing, I spent 4 days in the Intensive Care Unit in Salt Lake City, UT. Strangers all around me, and nobody at all that I can trust with my life and pain. Doctors coming and going for one day and then being told that I need a pacemaker. Crack my chest open and mess with my wounded heart. I had two major emotions going through me at the same time...total anger and total fear. I had only a matter of minutes to decide if I was going to allow a strange doctorr that I never seen before to mess with my already hurting heart. I told them no, and requested that they contact my cardiologist back home. Thankfully, my doctor said no and told them to patch me up and get me home. It took a lot of strength to get on that plane to fly home. My regret was letting work take over my life and made me do and say things I should have never done.
Regrets of friendships. This one is unique because to me, every person that I call a friend, has earned that title from me...even though they may not see me in the same manner. I have nothing negative to say about any of my friends, because they are each incredible in their own way. I just regret that each has their own life and it is so hard to spend quality time with each of them as we did many years ago. My friends have always been a great source of strength for me because it gives me the chance to be there for that friend. I try my best to not live in the past, but the past was a much happier time for me.
I guess overall, I truly have a lot of regrets, and I regret that nearly each night as I lay in bed...those regrets begin to surface in my mind. I work the issue of the regret through in my mind and I have to realize that there is nothing that I can do about the regret. There is nothing to do about some of the regrets so I move those to the back of my mind and just let it float around back there and develop it's own tumorous regret.
There is one thing that I can say...with all of these regrets...at least I haven't turned to hard liquor or drugs to numb the pain of life. I guess since I have regrets...I have lived a life.
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