I seem to have lost my "Guidelines to Life" book, and I was wondering if anyone can let me borrow theirs? I say this because for some reason I seem to be lost at the moment. I have so many things on my mind that it seems to cause confusion lately.
Oh yes, I do the same things that most people do to have the "temporary amnesia" for things that are going on. I have a few drinks with friends, watch a game on the television, go to a movie or kick back and watch a movie at home. But just like a chronic illness, the confusion returns and seems to be a little stronger than before. Is there a pill or a shot that I can get to help? I know many people, who know me the best, would say that I should look towards the Bible and put my faith in the Lord to guide me along the way. Now I am not going against the teachings of the church that I was raised on, but there are times when waiting for a problem to work it's way out, or putting in the hands of the Lord is not the answer. At least that is what one of my doctors have told me a few weeks ago. Yes, I do mean a psychiatrist, because there are other issues that I needed to get help with. Long ago I was one of those people that would say "a psychiatrist is just going to blame my issues on my lack of a relationship with my mother..." blah blah blah! I must say, the doctor gave me a different way to look at things; however the "textbook" answer is not what I am looking for or need.
I consider myself to be an intelligent person and very mature, but it seems like the problems get harder to resolve the older I become. No longer can I use the excuses that we all used when we were kids/teenagers. Although I must admit some of the excuses that were available to the young were really good! I bet if you took a moment and thought of some of the excuses you used in the past, you would get a laugh from them now. Go ahead, take a few minutes and regress into your memories for excuses used....I will wait until you get back.
See, I told you that you would get a laugh from a few of them. Although some of them were pretty out there even for back in the day.
I find myself wondering if I am making the right decisions for my own life, for my own happiness. I have never been the type of person that is greatly impacted by the things that other people think I should do. I have always done the things that I wanted to do...with the exception of recently in my life. There are decisions that I should make because it would be the right thing to do for me, but I am always concerned with those loved ones around me and how my decisions will play out for their lives.
I am fortunate that my sons are not very young anymore because that gives me a lot more options to consider for the future direction of my life. I will always do the right thing for my sons, at least to the best of my ability. There are things that they must learn and experience while they are young so they can "live" instead of just having a "life”. Some may think that "live" and "life" are the same, but they are not. I know people that have "life" but they are not "living". To me, you must experience the good and bad of "life" in order to say that you have "lived". If you never take chances or do those things that you truly want to do in "life" then you will have regrets throughout your "life" until you "live" no longer.
I guess that is my confusion at this time...am I "living" or just going on with "life". If I look at my life from the outside looking in, then I would have to say that I have a "semi-live" existence at this time, because I am not "living" as I desire. Although I have to be careful with saying "desire" as well because you can desire a lot and only receive what you need in life to live. Are there things that I desire at this time....well of course there is because I am still alive. Are my desires reasonable...that as they say is "in the eye of the beholder", because to some, they would say my desires are reasonable, and others would tell me to just give up and go with the flow. Play the cards that life has dealt to me and make the best of living.
There are so many things that I know I should do for my own happiness, but that is where my problems come up because there are other people that I must consider in the equation. Even if I give various weights to the various levels of desires that I have, there seems to always be something or someone there to say that I must wait for the right time or for the right conditions. At times I have the patience of Job, but that comes at a cost, and to me that cost is...my happiness with "living" my "life".
The way I see it, if a person's desires were easy to achieve, then they would not be desires, because to me, a desire is always harder to achieve than a "want". Just because you want something, it doesn't mean that you desire the same thing all the time. I believe at times, if you have a deep desire for something reasonable and you cannot achieve that desire, then you take the chance of losing your drive and desire for something that will truly make you unhappy.
Oh well, I guess there is no easy solution to any of my thoughts above, but at least I was able to talk about the overall issue of desire. Who knows, maybe, just maybe...I will figure out a way to "live" "life" and achieve all that the heart desires.
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